Monday, May 23, 2011

Uneventful Waiting

I walked a moderate-paced mile today for you baby bue. Im gonna start doing more but I read somewhere that tests have proven that exercise during pregnancy makes children smarter, so this is a more serious start towards investing in your SAT's. HAHA. (I would love it if your 'out-the-roof' test scores payed entirely for college, IF you want to go, but I really don't care what you score. I did pretty terribly and I think I have an above average IQ.)

We just have to wait. There's no exciting Dr.'s appointments coming up for another few weeks, no traveling plans, just spending time together, hopefully settling into our new home more and having friends over soon. Tripper and Cherilyn may be coming to visit in the next couple weeks, we're trying to work something out. I think we've decided that we have to abandon all summer trips this year. Aaron's summer classes conflict with some good friend's wedding in June, we'd been planning to be there for over a year so that's hard to accept. And Cornerstone Festival is out this year I think. I can't tell yet how Aaron feels about it but he made the call so I guess that is that.

I'm finding that if I am with friends and I've been paying a lot of attention to how much I talk about being pregnant. So if I can't think of other things to talk about, I try to stop talking. I feel like I've been pretty silent lately. Ha.

I don't like waiting! ..... Something I was thinking about this week a lot was what a gift pregnancy has been. I feel like my thoughts are changing radically and it feels really good. Aaron and I are growing together in ways that we'd never imagined. There's an amazing peace in our home just knowing in this small way where we're headed. And more and more Im realizing that having a child, as radical as it will be in changing our lives.. I am tired of viewing it as limiting. I did that with marriage and though I was smitten with the amount of limitations that force us to make due with the new circumstances, more and more I'm seeing that the more limited I feel, the more tendancies I have to look negatively at my situation. I immediately felt the need to tell good friends "do it while you still can, of course I love being married, but go to France while nobody is stopping you!" ..... That's not all I said but it did make me so "appreciative" of singleness, in a way that I easily saw myself envying single people. How ridiculous.

So there are new possibilities. Possibilities that would not have necessarily opened up if we hadn't gotten pregnant. And anything we wanted to do before, we can still do, whether it takes more work now or more organization. My least favorite thing lately is hearing from people that have lame attitudes towards parenting. People that want to tell you to "enjoy it now, because you won't have any alone time later" and people that you hear more complaints about parenting than good things. I am one of the MOST critical people that I know so I can complain more and more articulately than anyone I think.. haha.. but I don't want to be seen as someone who doesn't see beauty in everything. Because I believe I do, even when I am complaining, or when I'm done complaining anyway. The most Godly people that I've met are people that are very realistic but so trusting in Christ that every conversation (not necessarily statement) comes back to the purpose of serving Christ through living. So any complaint or struggle has a purpose and God will receive the glory. So.... as scary and life altaring as having a kid can be, whether you've been married 6 weeks, 6 months, or 2 years, or 10 years, why in the world do people focus so much on what you won't be able to do anymore. I enjoyed being just a wife. I enjoyed being a friend, sister, neighbor, and wife. I didn't yearn to have more on my plate (other than using my INSANE amounts of free time and taking classes on decorating cakes, making or writing books, finishing college just because, or learning to upholster furniture). I rarely do want more on my plate because I know that I have plenty of room for improvement, so why take on more responsibility, if I wait long enough, the laziness will subside and I will perfect something! So something new is thrown at you, and it absolutely won't be easy all the time, but it will surely be different and good. And if Aaron and I can continue to work towards loving each other rightly, serving and pursuing our Savior, and providing a healthy safe haven for our young'un... I don't care if I ever get a better job, or get to take the classes I always hoped I'd get to take, or travel the places I hoped I'd travel. I'm so encouraged. Hope is the anchor of my soul. I'm overwhelmed with the selfish ways I continue to think. The ways I tear myself and others down and want so much more when I'm not taking care of what I have.

The perfect job would be having the time to just spend with people when they needed it, be in prayer and meditation the majority of the day, and seeing my child grow up believing in the gospel. If there's time to plant a garden, cook a meal, read a book, paint a painting, build a cabin, and sit on a wrap-around porch in rocking chairs with my husband and marvel at God's beauty, that'd be even better.


  1. "do it while you still can, of course I love being married, but go to France while nobody is stopping you!"

    hahaha. I was thinking this morning, while picking peas, about why I decided to come here. There has to be a good reason. I guess I realized I don't particularly like gardening (or anything else for that matter) without people I love. Which is stupid because I could decide to love these people. And I think that's what my deal is most of the time. Cracker Barrel, AmeriCorps, UMAR, France... all the same.

    ha, oh, and because I was single and sad and wanted something to make me feel not single and sad.

  2. Its weird how similar France has been! At the same time, without it you might not have seen this pattern or picked up these thoughts about yourself and the ways you want to spend your time.

    ..... and you may have been sad about being single occassionally, or all the time, I don't know... but you were not sad in general. I don't think you went to France to stop being sad about being single or to end your singleness. Haha. That'd be funny if you did though.


I love feedback!