Monday, May 16, 2011

Mamma Drama

Its Mope-free Monday! I want to be fair and respectful of a tough time between my mother and I, that being said - I don't know how to censor well, so..... bare with me. I'd like to think its all due to me being on the path to who I am and really like being most of the time. I've never been so excited about family and life's direction that is ever changing. My mom came to town from Canada last Wednesday, we had a nice dinner. Family time is so scarce these days because my brother is in his 3rd rehab, my parents live in WAY northeast Canada, and my sister and I are just in pretty different seasons of our life, both of us trying at times more than others to keep each other close but it just takes work and that's absolutely okay. Its all gotta be. So family time! Dinner was nice, the next day we were together all day, we had a nice lunch with Aaron and I ended up having great conversations feeling really encouraged about Aaron's internship in the fall, just being in prayer about it and being open to him serving almost anywhere that God opened up a place for us. I had my women's group Thursday night, my mom went to dinner with my sister and her boyfriend. I got home late, after easily caving in and picking up a pretty yummy fastfood craving. My mom came downstairs and seemed to have had fun with my sister. 20 minutes later, we were in the middle of a conversation about what I haven't done well in the past few months and the changes I needed to make. I'm not so prideful that I cant take criticism, not this time anyway.. but what do you do when you don't feel that you merit the corrections someone is making on your life? Someone especially that you care so much about. And corrections on things that I have been in prayer about and feel confident I'd make changes if I felt God was calling me to? ... My answer this time is "pray". Pray that I am humbled if I am just missing something, that's possible I guess. ;) Just kidding.. very possible. Pray that my mom get peace and if she is right, for me to hear it differently, if that's the problem. Pray that we can come together and not argue over things that should be able to be talked about.

My mom said a lot of things that about the way I've handled my brothers drug problems, but the only things that I regret are the ways that I gave him financial support and he abused it. In those times, I enabled him. The money I gave him for food or gas, or the meal I prepared for him allowed him to keep the money in his pocket and use it on drugs. That's the way I see it. So Aaron and I decided we were done. Even if it meant telling my parents 'no' when they asked us to help him with money (food, gas, rent, utilities, etc.) and they'd pay us back. Also, I'm a time spender/quality time person. So when I had times with George, whether he was sober or not, I was honest with him, loved on him as much as I could, and tried to assure him that I would be available to him if he ever needed anything emotionally. That's all I can offer and that's all I want to offer. I care about him but having a close friend that's been broken by drug use and having talked to counselors and family members of other addicts, I'm more and more confident that I am going to let him come to me if he needs me, until then, prayer is what I chose and its not easy so I don't feel like I'm taking the easy route. I don't agree with anyone giving him money, or thinking that they can be his life-line. If this third rehab is where he gets clean, or even makes in imprint on his life, I'm more than glad. But we don't have because we don't ask. God will be glorified through his recovery or his failure, same as me in anything that I do or go through. No more, will I or Aaron have any part in enabling my brother's addiction if we can help it.

I've heard of some books on boundaries lately that I've been encouraged to read and before this happened, books that people have suggested I tell my parents to read, specifically one called "Having Boundaries With Your Adult Children". I wish I had looked into these previous to this past weekend. There's still time. ..... Im up for feedback. I want to know what if there's anything I can do to be better understood and understand better. I want to learn to be a better communicator and better at honoring my parents in a disagreement.

In other news! Im in Spruce Pine, soaking up some alone time and telling Aaron's family about our baby on the way. Breakfast with a good friend. Being downtown and always close enough to the train tracks to feel the ground moving when a train comes through town is something that will always remind me of getting to know Aaron in his downtown apartment here, spending time with friends, and making memories that'll last my lifetime.

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