Saturday, August 27, 2011

Writing Letters, Taking Names

I'm trying to challenge myself to write more letters. I doubt a letter from me is much different than reading any blog post... I do just ramble till my pen stops or I feel like I've exposed too much of myself for one sitting but I do love writing. Maybe close to as much as I love dancing...

I want friends to know how we're doing and I want to hear from them. As the year finishes, I hope to have made some new good habits in reaching out to loved ones. I'm reading through the "Simplicity" section in Celebration of Discipline and it has moved many things inside of me. I've never really thought that in order to be simple outside, I have to first be simple inside. This is something I know that I am not. And I've taken much pride in it at times. Complicating things is so Romantic sometimes, when really, it's not. It's tragic, and boy do I live for tragedy. So I hope the things that I'm reading are resonating. I've been learning a lot about praying for change and starting small. This is something I'm starting to pray more for.

I don't have a lot to update. Aaron has not been patient when I ask him to come feel our little Bub move. He will give me his hand for a few seconds but if there's no big movement, he will get distracted... Maybe mostly because we always happen to be sitting in close vicinity to a guitar. So we succeed most I've noticed when he is sleepy. He'll give me his hand especially when we're laying in bed. The other morning Aaron was getting up slowly for work and Baby Bue was moving a LOT. I was still sleepy but I pulled Aaron's hand over and placed it accordingly, and I don't even think Aaron realized it but every time the babe would move, Aaron would giggle - a perfect MANLY, proud dad, sleepy giggle. It was one of my favorite moments so far.

Monday, August 15, 2011



It's really so simple but mind-blowing at the same time to think about this little buggar inside of me fidgeting and moving around. When I'm driving, sitting in a coffee shop, watching a movie, taking a walk and I feel little movements, big or small, it makes me feel like a creator. It's a strange thing to explain. I feel like I've got a little project that's constantly being worked on. And in less than 3 months hopefully, I'll have a little wiggly human to show for it. In some ways its the most productive feeling a person, I believe, could have.

During yoga a few weeks ago, some of the first times I felt him moving, we were ending the class with some meditation and stillness and the little bumps from his limbs brought tears. It's so huge! This, what's happening to me.

I know mom's all over could relate but similar to getting married, the biggest decision I've ever made and the most rewarding, people don't say the things that I experienced going through all of that. I love experiencing these new things and them being as epic as they are but it's confusing to me that more people don't shout about it from roof-tops or atleast tell me about it when they experience these little glories. It's not like there are millions of opportunities in one's life to feel what you feel when you get married, learn your pregnant, feel the baby moving, give birth. But sometimes I feel like the only person that wants to really talk about it.

People keep too many things to themselves is what I'm saying maybe.

The same goes for the ways you fall inlove with the Holy Spirit. The way He pursues you and gives you peace in any moment. Why don't you hear about those moments more often? The more praise I hear from people that I care about and know, the more encouraged I am and the more I want to grow in my intimate knowledge of Him. I myself hesitate a lot of times in fear of just being cheesy or coming off self-righteous. But if we could equally be open with our struggles and convictions, pray together, imagine how close we'd all be?

Just thoughts running through my head over a pot of mint tea.

At peace.

I keep thinking about the fact that in a few months I'll be holding up a little man as he wiggles and jerks, figuring out how to hold his head up. An adorable, soft, sweet, baby boy. A little soul. And I get to look after him and be a huge part of his life. He'll be such a mirror of the way that I love and care for people. I'll learn so much. It's wild to see yourself entering this unknown. Scary and exciting. So many things all at once.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

23 weeks today.

A friend took these from a church retreat.

My husband is so so so attractive. I know.

Time is flying. And my body is changing noticibly almost every day. It's super bizarre to be experiencing something that is so extraordinary and ordinary at the same time. Being far from the first to get pregnant and experience these things, yet having this absolutely unique, made special just for me, miracle happen inside and through my body.

In the last few weeks, every few days, something significant has changed. It started with little flutters of baby movements - total magic. It felt like a couple bubbles moving in any direction from the core of my body, then a few days later it started feeling like my uterus was actually doing small somersaults - JUST like your stomach turns when you go over a roller coaster, but much more subtle and exciting. Yesterday at an appointment, the Dr. and Aaron both saw a little limb move across my stomach. And I've now been asked by 3 people how far along I am, which is really exciting. One day I noticed myself unable to move without bumping into things, as if my depth perception wasn't working anymore. I'm finding myself trying to squeeze between friend's chairs and tables or counters and people that I know I would normally have fit through gracefully, but instead grazing them fully with my front or back-side. You could say this is forcing me to know people more intimately,  lots of invasion of personal space. Another day, I found myself wishing I could just take off my belly for a water break. It's become noticeably heavy and last weekend my ability to walk up or down stairs quickly or even at a normal pace has subsided. I am becoming a slow-moving mama. Similar to the huge changes in energy in the first trimester, these things take a toll on my momentum, my confidence, my adequacy, my ego. ... I'm watching myself in the mirror week to week turn into the pregnant me that I always imagined and I am not as unbareably cute as I thought I would be. Haha. I'm feeling large. And my body temperature has decided to kick itself up a few b.t.u.'s just to make things more interesting. By the way, it's HOT in Asheville these days.... without being pregnant. So I'm hot, and slow, and for the time being, i have lost my hour-glass figure. Aaron has been loving and supportive. We've been really praising God for the way He's blessing us through this season. There's so much peace in our home. I love trusting my husband. I don't want to take for granted the ease I'm finding in respecting him and supporting him in the decisions he's making for us. I am a strong-willed woman, and getting married I worried, (still worry), that I will be contentious and rebellious because these are things that I enjoy doing sometimes, things I'm good at doing. So I am happy to report that God is giving me some grace and patience that I want to hold onto. I still have a sharp tongue and get plenty of opportunities to learn repentance. Aaron is an incredible husband and leader and I am ever learning to pray for him. It's something that has NOT come naturally to me.

Speaking of how great everything is, ha, I am very ungrateful. A good friend from church had a miscarriage. She and her husband had been wanting a child for something like 7 years and I'm not sure how far along she was because the baby may not have grown as many weeks as she may have been pregnant. Can you imagine wanting a child for multiple years then expecting one for weeks, maybe months and losing them? I can't totally. We weren't hoping for a baby at all when we found out. I was immediately aware of friends that I have prayed that they could have children and some part of me thought "I wish it was them and not me that was pregnant." I still catch myself thinking that I know people that deserve a chance at parenting more than we do. I've had the thought that if we never got to meet this little man inside of me, our lives would keep going. At one point I feel like I would have thought to myself, "Phew, that was close...(to really having to change)" and pick up where we left off with childless marriage. I say all of this to share the worst thoughts I've had. Some days it still doesn't feel real. Some days we just talk about how weird it is to see my belly actually growing like a "real pregnant person". I want to make clear as much as I can that we are every day, some more than others, learning to think of this new life as a total gift. It's really strange though to genuinely feel that way, then just not believe it's real in a moment. I guess similar to salvation. Even if you have it all the time, there's times where not only are you not overwhelmed with thanks for it, but you don't even think about it, you take it for granted. That's what I'm saying. I guess being human, this happens in everything. Wouldn't it be incredible to never take anything or any one for granted ever again? In my life, it really has been proven that no matter how much I'm given, I still miss the point a lot.

I had a 'near death' experience with heart burn this week. I would take nausea and vomiting over the heart burn. It lasted for about 24 hours and I was unable to lie down. I had to sit straight up, any other posture was much more painful. Drank baking soda and water, so gross. I slept in a recliner sitting up for the most part. I was sobbing and unable to breath. Aaron thought he'd have to take me to the hospital. The worst part is probably that anyone that knows anything about heart burn just nods and says "yeah, that happens". I'd like to think no one has ever felt the wrath that my body took out on me. Also, I am sure that labor will be easier than heart burn. I have nothing to show for my survival of this episode. I am appreciating pain-free life much more now. Aaron sympathizes even more because he went to the hospital once for something similar following a BBQ sandwich. He thought he was going to die. He'll say things like, "thank Adam and Eve". I hit a new high for high maintenance. I couldn't move without assisstance. Remedies I found interesting/possibly helpful:
  • plain baked potato
  • digestive enzymes/papaya enzyme
  • milk
  • 1tsp. brown sugar (in milk, I decided)
  • no drinking and eating at the same time (SO HARD for me.)
  • no eating 2 hours before bed
Not using much medicine to just fix things is exciting and patience growing. And on a positive note, people have said that heart burn can mean a FULL head of hair! (Dark hair, I've heard!)

There are so many people in my life that I've been thinking about and haven't seen in a long time. I am a little terrified of having even less time than I have now to reach out to friends. I haven't been doing that much at all. I miss a lot of women and have really been alone a lot. I am growing to love solitude but I also really value and benefit from the relationships I have with women. Even though I really am enjoying the changes, all of this self-observing and surviving myself is making me feel so torn.

The last few weeks since my trip to Florida have been really good but exhausting emotionally. A lot is happening. I fear internalizing things. But I don't have enough hours in the day to share everything I want to share. And while I'm trying, I feel like I'm missing the point. And possibly exhausting the people that have been around to listen.

Baby showers happen when in a pregnancy? I think I'm gonna have one in October some time.

We are going to Pittsburgh at the end of this month. I don't even know if anyone up there knows but we've marked off our calendars from the 31st to the 7th of September. SO Excited!

INCASE it wasn't clear how lovely my belly is looking. Haha.