Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Day 1

This story starts a long time ago. Its not a short story, and coming from my mouth, it likely wouldnt be the short version of the story.

You can't tell so well from the photo, but the positive sign was BRIGHT blue and very present after about 2 seconds. This was taken around 5:30am in March, 2011. Shortly after, I texted Kaki the news, (she was definitely sound asleep), and I crawled back into bed and laid there, my head spinning. I could tell Aaron was awake so I told him the news, and we continued to just lay there. There wasn't much to say. It was exciting and terrifying. And we just laid there.
Im only 25 (26 in a couple weeks!) and the place that I find myself in, the things that I've experienced in the last couple years alone make me feel like I'm starting a 3rd lifetime. Seasons of my life have become lifetimes. I've been falling more and more inlove with my creator over the past couple years, through the things He's doing in mine and Aaron's life, the way He brought us together and has been showing and teaching me love and forgiveness. So since God has been in the forefront of things, since His movement in my life has been so revealed to me, I can't get enough of His beauty and grace. Its so cheesy, but Im learning thats what love is. Its too sweet to not be cheesy.

Im starting this journal to challenge myself to write more. Most of all, I want some kind of log that our child/children can read over when they're older. Hopefully they'll enjoy my thoughts and experiences. Hopefully they'll laugh at me and with me. Maybe they'll be nothing like me and think that Im just a weird mom, (like my mom!). :)

This is a good place to start. 2 days ago Aaron and I got to see a sonogram of our little one. I've never cared about people's sonograms... the little blob in a black fuzzy mess. But now I get it, when you're laying on the table, though completely excited, part of you thinks this still isnt real, or its too early and there wont be anything to look at... The nurse is moving the paddle over my lower abdomin, clicking things and telling me nothing is happening, she's just taking "boring pictures" of all of my parts. Aaron is staring blankly waiting for her to say something about the screen he's watching. Nothing is happening, and Im stretching my best, trying not to be noticed but wanting to see what they're looking at. Then she turns the screen towards me and says "here's your peanut". There he is! (He or she?) My peanut! It looks more like a cashew, with tiny legs and arms. I can't believe you look so much like a human! Im probably imagining but I feel like I can see some facial features. You're laying so still. I asked if you'd move and she said that if we watched long enough we would see it. We're just staring. Im feeling so many things. You start moving, its like your dancing because you just keep going. Aaron says "he knows we're watching." I wish I could know when you're awake so I could sit really still and feel you moving. All night last night I had trouble sleeping, I kept thinking I could feel your heart beat with my hand over my uterus, then it became exhausting trying to hold still enough to decide whether I was feeling you or a combination of mine and Aaron's heartbeat. In the middle of the night, its all so loud. Every feeling and thought and movement. .... So, there's a real human inside of me. Every parent may feel this but it feels so special. No one has ever seen you before, nobody but God. We're the first. It was so perfect. How do you stop looking? How do you stop watching the screen. When is it okay to turn it off and turn the lights back on. Never. Over and over throughout the last 2 days I've just wanted to break back into the hospital room and watch you for hours. Im so thankful for medicaid paying for that visit, letting us see you for free. What a gift. If I never got to see you again, the small picture I have printed and Aaron stuck it on our fridge, that'd be how I remembered you... perfect, small, and alive. These feelings are so great and real, I can wait to see you, I can wait to hold you and get to meet you for the first time, but I can't wait to find out whether your a girl or a boy. You need a name! Why should you wait 9 months to have a name. You're too special to go without a name. Im calling you "baby bue" (short for Buchanan) right now. I already have a girl name and Im going to do my best to have a boy name by the time we find out.

We want a boy. I'll say it. We want a boy because girls seem less predictable. I know I am afraid of a girl and her hormones and the chance that she wont want to be my best friend. Haha, I know this is something that is going to work itself out and I know that I probably couldnt be your very best friend, but right now, the majority of the girls I know that were first born were rebelious in some way and knowing how sensitive I am, Im already anticipating being crushed by any rejection I'll experience.

All of that being said, I cant wait for whoever my baby will be. The number one thing that I hope is that my child will know Christ and love Him, then I hope that my child is healthy. I hope that my child see's Aaron and I love each other so much that they want a marriage like ours. I hope they see our faith and see our struggle. I hope we can be honest and they'll feel safe with us.

I've been overwhelmed with a desire to pray for you. God's been telling me that I have no control and its a good thing! The most impacting thing I can do is pray for you, "you do not have because you do not ask". Nothing I can prepare will make you the person you need to be, nothing I expose you to or do will prepare you for what's to come outside of the Holy Spirit at work through me and Aaron, our friends, our community, our relationships. I want to at all times be inviting Him into our home and our lives. I want everything to be soaked in Him.

So the due date is December 7, 2011. I hope you come early and healthy, but obviously, I'll wait as long as I have to. 

Things have been busy! Aaron is finishing up his spring semester of school. The past 3 months have been the busiest I can ever remember. I think part of it is adjusting to the way Aaron gets when he is busy. He's like a train, and just keeps going till all the work is done, or he's out of time because he really doesn't know when to stop. He's so thorough and smart and he loves learning. One of my favorite things about him. So we handle being busy very differently. I am a big fan of just throwing everything off of the table and relaxing with people I care about. Aaron has to be completely removed to do this, for about 48 hours before he can start. Haha. So we just keep trucking. Maybe for over 3 months now. He'll be done with school for a few weeks maybe after the third week of May. Then summer classes, then he's taking a break in the fall. I cant imagine what that'll be like. Im praying for a job change for either Aaron or myself or both. Aaron has too many passions and talents and he never explores different avenues to use them outside of working for free in a church or going to Israel, which would both be fine, I just want to open ourselves up to God using us in different ways if there are openings. I can't wait to see how we're going to be stretched through all of this.

So, welcome to my head and home! Can't wait to continue this adventure.

No comments:

Post a Comment

I love feedback!