Thursday, December 13, 2012

It's been a while.

Being a mom means that even when I am out in the morning and have the diaper bag well stocked, extra food on hand, plenty of gas in the tank - if the babe is aching or a nap, I go home and give it to him. Things can get done later.

Putting him into his crib and knowing he's taken care of makes the inconvenience so much more than worth it. Also, now I have mandatory "me time".

I'm 27 weeks pregnant with a sweet baby girl. I just started feeling the discomfort of the size I am and it feels really early to be so annoyed with it. ... I haven't been praying for this little one near as much as I did with Woodrow. Adjusting to being a parent, even after a year has been a struggle as far as spiritual discipline. Mornings were about solitude and now they belong entirely to Woodrow. I try to squeeze every minute out of evenings and I don't go to bed early enough to wake up early. I'm probably three times as eager to meet her though. Aaron and I constantly look at eachother and try to figure out how we became a family of four. It feels like we went from not having one, to having always having had him and I imagine once we meet this next one, it will be the same. In many ways, Aaron seems much more present than I am. If I ever will be again, it may not be until I'm not pregnant anymore. So I find myself needing a lot of patience from myself and other people. I'm a little absent minded most of the time and have to write anything I need to remember down. Also, if Woodrow is with me I rarely feel like I can have a real conversation. This is something that  feels like a parenting cliché and I cannot accept it.

Speaking of, Woodrow just turned a year old. He has had 6 teeth and seems to be settled there for a bit. He's walking like a little duck, still losing balance but not losing heart. He's on the move all the time. I think he's been getting bored in the house lately which makes me worry about winter and being inside. He's almost always content when we are anywhere but home. He is calm and intrigued with everything. He's very independent. People swoon over his big, blue eyes. I don't think I'll ever get tired of hearing strangers remark about how happy he is. When he has a fussy day I am starting to panic less that he'll never go back to the easy baby he has been.

Lately things have been so good. "Good" seems to continually take on new meaning in my life. I love that about parenting and being a wife. Those things anyway are what brought me here. I do wish I'd found the type of peace and satisfaction that I have these days, while I was single. I yearned so much to be content and love myself well. I guess in a lot of ways I still don't do that, but being tied to a man and then having a child depend on you pulls you outside of yourself in a way that I will always just understand as being necessary for me. I'm super self-absorbed. Any chance I have to make things about myself, I am good at it. So imagine the time and resources I had while single. I needed more on my plate. Unfortunately, and fortunately, I am good at freeing myself from responsibilities. My plate doesn't get too full because when it does, I have a serious "simplify" routine that keeps me from getting, (or staying), overwhelmed. It's goes like this. I tell myself - "I don't have to do that if I don't want to." or "This will get done tomorrow, or next month." ....... So home is happy. I feel like a strong, healthy team with Aaron. When I don't it really is because I am tired or we have been busy and I want some down time with him.

We traveled more than we can really afford in the last month and it's been really good. We picked places we'd not been in a while, people we'd been aching to see and we just did it. No budget or planning... we just set the dates and got it done. It's funny how we got back and realize why most people don't take trips on a whim, especially with kids, and we found big miscalculations on our bank statements resulting in fees, then I have a moment where I think "this was very worth it." We'll deal with it, eat more beans and rice than usual.

Home has been wherever I am with Aaron and Woodrow. Good conversations with people we care about. Our community has been growing as we are on the road and I love that. We happen to be most like-minded with friends that don't live near us and it's hard going months or more sometimes without getting time together. Living in Ashevillle is insanely beautiful. We have great friends here too, people that I don't like going a few days without talking to or seeing... but no one in town is where we are and its lonely sometimes. A friend told me this week that she has a hard time with not ever really relating to what I go through daily being a mom mostly. Without intentional time spent together, I feel that way about almost everyone I live near. We're all so different and separate. I don't like city-living because everyone is so isolated, as much as they want to be and more. Facebook is what people use to keep up with each other, even living in the same town - and I haven't had one for going on two years. (I'm just saying how technically detached I am from life as most everyone else knows it.) If anyone wants to know me at all at this point, they have to spend time with me. And I have to ask questions. Your facebook friends know much more about you and your daily routine than I will without spending a few days with you.

Anyway, I didn't have an agenda when starting this post.
Feel caught up a little bit?


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