Writing Letters, Taking Names

I'm trying to challenge myself to write more letters. I doubt a letter from me is much different than reading any blog post... I do just ramble till my pen stops or I feel like I've exposed too much of myself for one sitting but I do love writing. Maybe close to as much as I love dancing...

I want friends to know how we're doing and I want to hear from them. As the year finishes, I hope to have made some new good habits in reaching out to loved ones. I'm reading through the "Simplicity" section in Celebration of Discipline and it has moved many things inside of me. I've never really thought that in order to be simple outside, I have to first be simple inside. This is something I know that I am not. And I've taken much pride in it at times. Complicating things is so Romantic sometimes, when really, it's not. It's tragic, and boy do I live for tragedy. So I hope the things that I'm reading are resonating. I've been learning a lot about praying for change and starting small. This is something I'm starting to pray more for.

I don't have a lot to update. Aaron has not been patient when I ask him to come feel our little Bub move. He will give me his hand for a few seconds but if there's no big movement, he will get distracted... Maybe mostly because we always happen to be sitting in close vicinity to a guitar. So we succeed most I've noticed when he is sleepy. He'll give me his hand especially when we're laying in bed. The other morning Aaron was getting up slowly for work and Baby Bue was moving a LOT. I was still sleepy but I pulled Aaron's hand over and placed it accordingly, and I don't even think Aaron realized it but every time the babe would move, Aaron would giggle - a perfect MANLY, proud dad, sleepy giggle. It was one of my favorite moments so far.

Movement

Life.

It's really so simple but mind-blowing at the same time to think about this little buggar inside of me fidgeting and moving around. When I'm driving, sitting in a coffee shop, watching a movie, taking a walk and I feel little movements, big or small, it makes me feel like a creator. It's a strange thing to explain. I feel like I've got a little project that's constantly being worked on. And in less than 3 months hopefully, I'll have a little wiggly human to show for it. In some ways its the most productive feeling a person, I believe, could have.

During yoga a few weeks ago, some of the first times I felt him moving, we were ending the class with some meditation and stillness and the little bumps from his limbs brought tears. It's so huge! This, what's happening to me.

I know mom's all over could relate but similar to getting married, the biggest decision I've ever made and the most rewarding, people don't say the things that I experienced going through all of that. I love experiencing these new things and them being as epic as they are but it's confusing to me that more people don't shout about it from roof-tops or atleast tell me about it when they experience these little glories. It's not like there are millions of opportunities in one's life to feel what you feel when you get married, learn your pregnant, feel the baby moving, give birth. But sometimes I feel like the only person that wants to really talk about it.

People keep too many things to themselves is what I'm saying maybe.

The same goes for the ways you fall inlove with the Holy Spirit. The way He pursues you and gives you peace in any moment. Why don't you hear about those moments more often? The more praise I hear from people that I care about and know, the more encouraged I am and the more I want to grow in my intimate knowledge of Him. I myself hesitate a lot of times in fear of just being cheesy or coming off self-righteous. But if we could equally be open with our struggles and convictions, pray together, imagine how close we'd all be?

Just thoughts running through my head over a pot of mint tea.

Excited.
Encouraged.
At peace.

I keep thinking about the fact that in a few months I'll be holding up a little man as he wiggles and jerks, figuring out how to hold his head up. An adorable, soft, sweet, baby boy. A little soul. And I get to look after him and be a huge part of his life. He'll be such a mirror of the way that I love and care for people. I'll learn so much. It's wild to see yourself entering this unknown. Scary and exciting. So many things all at once.

23 weeks today.

A friend took these from a church retreat.

My husband is so so so attractive. I know.

Time is flying. And my body is changing noticibly almost every day. It's super bizarre to be experiencing something that is so extraordinary and ordinary at the same time. Being far from the first to get pregnant and experience these things, yet having this absolutely unique, made special just for me, miracle happen inside and through my body.

In the last few weeks, every few days, something significant has changed. It started with little flutters of baby movements - total magic. It felt like a couple bubbles moving in any direction from the core of my body, then a few days later it started feeling like my uterus was actually doing small somersaults - JUST like your stomach turns when you go over a roller coaster, but much more subtle and exciting. Yesterday at an appointment, the Dr. and Aaron both saw a little limb move across my stomach. And I've now been asked by 3 people how far along I am, which is really exciting. One day I noticed myself unable to move without bumping into things, as if my depth perception wasn't working anymore. I'm finding myself trying to squeeze between friend's chairs and tables or counters and people that I know I would normally have fit through gracefully, but instead grazing them fully with my front or back-side. You could say this is forcing me to know people more intimately,  lots of invasion of personal space. Another day, I found myself wishing I could just take off my belly for a water break. It's become noticeably heavy and last weekend my ability to walk up or down stairs quickly or even at a normal pace has subsided. I am becoming a slow-moving mama. Similar to the huge changes in energy in the first trimester, these things take a toll on my momentum, my confidence, my adequacy, my ego. ... I'm watching myself in the mirror week to week turn into the pregnant me that I always imagined and I am not as unbareably cute as I thought I would be. Haha. I'm feeling large. And my body temperature has decided to kick itself up a few b.t.u.'s just to make things more interesting. By the way, it's HOT in Asheville these days.... without being pregnant. So I'm hot, and slow, and for the time being, i have lost my hour-glass figure. Aaron has been loving and supportive. We've been really praising God for the way He's blessing us through this season. There's so much peace in our home. I love trusting my husband. I don't want to take for granted the ease I'm finding in respecting him and supporting him in the decisions he's making for us. I am a strong-willed woman, and getting married I worried, (still worry), that I will be contentious and rebellious because these are things that I enjoy doing sometimes, things I'm good at doing. So I am happy to report that God is giving me some grace and patience that I want to hold onto. I still have a sharp tongue and get plenty of opportunities to learn repentance. Aaron is an incredible husband and leader and I am ever learning to pray for him. It's something that has NOT come naturally to me.

Speaking of how great everything is, ha, I am very ungrateful. A good friend from church had a miscarriage. She and her husband had been wanting a child for something like 7 years and I'm not sure how far along she was because the baby may not have grown as many weeks as she may have been pregnant. Can you imagine wanting a child for multiple years then expecting one for weeks, maybe months and losing them? I can't totally. We weren't hoping for a baby at all when we found out. I was immediately aware of friends that I have prayed that they could have children and some part of me thought "I wish it was them and not me that was pregnant." I still catch myself thinking that I know people that deserve a chance at parenting more than we do. I've had the thought that if we never got to meet this little man inside of me, our lives would keep going. At one point I feel like I would have thought to myself, "Phew, that was close...(to really having to change)" and pick up where we left off with childless marriage. I say all of this to share the worst thoughts I've had. Some days it still doesn't feel real. Some days we just talk about how weird it is to see my belly actually growing like a "real pregnant person". I want to make clear as much as I can that we are every day, some more than others, learning to think of this new life as a total gift. It's really strange though to genuinely feel that way, then just not believe it's real in a moment. I guess similar to salvation. Even if you have it all the time, there's times where not only are you not overwhelmed with thanks for it, but you don't even think about it, you take it for granted. That's what I'm saying. I guess being human, this happens in everything. Wouldn't it be incredible to never take anything or any one for granted ever again? In my life, it really has been proven that no matter how much I'm given, I still miss the point a lot.

I had a 'near death' experience with heart burn this week. I would take nausea and vomiting over the heart burn. It lasted for about 24 hours and I was unable to lie down. I had to sit straight up, any other posture was much more painful. Drank baking soda and water, so gross. I slept in a recliner sitting up for the most part. I was sobbing and unable to breath. Aaron thought he'd have to take me to the hospital. The worst part is probably that anyone that knows anything about heart burn just nods and says "yeah, that happens". I'd like to think no one has ever felt the wrath that my body took out on me. Also, I am sure that labor will be easier than heart burn. I have nothing to show for my survival of this episode. I am appreciating pain-free life much more now. Aaron sympathizes even more because he went to the hospital once for something similar following a BBQ sandwich. He thought he was going to die. He'll say things like, "thank Adam and Eve". I hit a new high for high maintenance. I couldn't move without assisstance. Remedies I found interesting/possibly helpful:

• plain baked potato
• digestive enzymes/papaya enzyme
• milk
• 1tsp. brown sugar (in milk, I decided)
• no drinking and eating at the same time (SO HARD for me.)
• no eating 2 hours before bed

Not using much medicine to just fix things is exciting and patience growing. And on a positive note, people have said that heart burn can mean a FULL head of hair! (Dark hair, I've heard!)


There are so many people in my life that I've been thinking about and haven't seen in a long time. I am a little terrified of having even less time than I have now to reach out to friends. I haven't been doing that much at all. I miss a lot of women and have really been alone a lot. I am growing to love solitude but I also really value and benefit from the relationships I have with women. Even though I really am enjoying the changes, all of this self-observing and surviving myself is making me feel so torn.

The last few weeks since my trip to Florida have been really good but exhausting emotionally. A lot is happening. I fear internalizing things. But I don't have enough hours in the day to share everything I want to share. And while I'm trying, I feel like I'm missing the point. And possibly exhausting the people that have been around to listen.

Man.
Baby showers happen when in a pregnancy? I think I'm gonna have one in October some time.

We are going to Pittsburgh at the end of this month. I don't even know if anyone up there knows but we've marked off our calendars from the 31st to the 7th of September. SO Excited!

INCASE it wasn't clear how lovely my belly is looking. Haha.

Change and 2 Very Busy Weeks

The last couple weeks have been packed! I haven't seen a lot of friends but I've been all over the place.

Two weeks ago my Mica (my dad's mom) passed away. She was 83 and lived a full, incredible life. Growing up in a communist country, finding out that her son had left the country and moved to America, then immigrating with her husband here in 1987 and learning a new culture where they'd reside till the end of their days. My dad came to town for her last moments and I'm so glad he got to be with her. This was the most peaceful loss of my grandparents so far for me. Maybe because I'm older, maybe because the others had gone; but I think it's because I'd never been able to speak her language enough to have full conversations but I've known her since my first memories on earth and what I know of her was settled, full of faith, and full of love. Seeing her body at the viewing, I started to cry because I realized how much I'd miss her. But looking down at her, her hands folded, skin lifeless, and no more soft pinkness surrounding her smile, I realized her soul was gone to heaven. It's a simple thought, and sounds like a cheesy, contemporary/country christian song lyric....  but to have confidence that this person that I loved so much was no longer in her body, it made it easy to let her go. The first time I felt joy at a funeral. I'd love to only have to say goodbye to people that I know loved Christ.

Last week, because my dad was in town, he offered to take me with him to Florida to see my brother who's been there now for a little over 2 months. The drives were long and divided by many bathroom breaks, intense Florida heat, cable tv and internet for emailing LONG emails to Kaki in France (who is coming back early and is supposed to arrive in Atlanta today!), exercise in hotel work-out rooms, the ocean, and a warm condominium pool, good food, and great time with family.
  ....... (Sorry for the strange spacing of photos and text. I don't know how to fix it.)

Seeing my little brother was beyond exciting. I can't express how much joy I had just being in his presence. He sounds happy and encouraged. I guess I haven't seen him since the beginning of May but it feels like it's been a lot longer, he has sounded so grown up on the phone. I and my family need lots or prayer. We all have a long road ahead of us just learning how to care for each other and communicate better. I'm so proud of him but know that without Christ, nothing is possible, so pray with me that Christ is invited to transform us and the way we love and support each other.

Lots of treats. Anyone ever heard of bubble tea? Not in FL.

Hard to see, but there's a trail of lizards straight back and down the left side of this photo. They were everywhere.

   Man, the time was good! I will say the week was the most intense, emotional week I've had in a long time but I enjoyed it so much. I wish Florida wasn't so  far away.

Elliot - Morrow's babe

Charlie - Chrissy's babe.

I got to spend some time with Kate and Derek Morrow and their family. Chrissy and Kate, (twins), both have 8 month olds and they are amazing. I rarely take pictures around people I don't see often so I only stole some shots of babies in car seats. It was great to see them and be taken care of for a few short hours.

Getting back to Asheville was sweet. I absolutely missed my husband. I've never left him home before, he's always the one to travel. He did fine, better than I do. This week I spent some (too-)lengthy time at the pool with my sister -got an overdose of Vitamin D, had our Dr. appointment, had a great small group, and am halfway through a much needed productive day with Aaron. We've run around and put up some flyers, our friends the Scurvies are coming to town next week and we had lunch and are lounging doing reading at a coffee shop.

I want to make a suggestion to anyone that comes across this that they read this blog. If I could live in two places at once, currently it'd be Charlotte and Asheville just so I could attend this man's church. I have been reading his blog from the beginning posts and haven't gotten further than about 15 or so posts plus some skipping around to current posts. I wrote about the Martin Luther King message a few weeks ago and this is the pastor that I heard it from. Part of me may be slightly intrigued by his Pentecostal roots and the way he laughs at it as much as he does but he's one of those men that you know spends time in the Word and has a real heart for teaching scripture and caring for his community. If you have extra time to read any of his writings, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Gender Update!

We had our big appointment this week! And the verdict is: Mr. & Mrs. Aaron & Grace Buchanan are having a sweet, soft, and sure to be handsome baby boy!

It's so funny, leading up to the appointment I'd tried to prepare myself not to want a girl or a boy more than the other, and as we got closer I really didn't care. If people asked, I would tell them it felt like a boy for whatever reason. Aaron started thinking it was a boy too. I'll never know what those predictions were really based on. So we are in the room with the nurse, the lights are off, and she's scoping out our little human's body with the ultrasound machine, showing us all of their bones and organs that are visible. She took measurements and seemed in no hurry to venture down to the "nether-region" and give us a look at what I thought this whole appointment was about. As minutes rolled by I relaxed and started enjoying this almost "magic school bus" tour through my babies healthy body. We checked parts of the brain and she took snapshots of everything, she showed us the babies spine and kidneys, their feet, their hands... It was a whole human in there, even weighing only about 9oz. So when the time came, we found ourselves staring at what was obviously the pelvis and a straight-on shot of the little babies legs spread into the air. I'm not sure how quickly Aaron saw 'it' but there was no mistaking the little 'part' we were looking at. My baby is a Mr.  The nurse seemed unsure how to say it, as silly as it is, it was almost awkward because it was so visible. "Here's his little wee-wee" she said. I teared up, it was so intimate and strange. I quickly looked at Aaron to get his facial expression and he was beaming. It was so neat to see his proud face at this new information. Again I just found myself wanting to spend more time staring and scanning over our little one. There's not a good time to turn the machine off when you're seeing your child for the first or second, I imagine, millionth time if you had a chance.

I do want to say that as much as we had previously agreed we wanted a boy first, and having all the feelings I'd had, it was as shocking as it could ever be to find out. I realized at that moment that the only things I had been imagining really clothing my child in were floral prints and lacey things. I figure that's because these things can be found in my own wardrobe. Alas, I am super excited to adjust to plaids, flannels, and denim that will keep my little man warm this winter. We're gonna have a little cowboy/lumber jack!

Now my curiosity has moved on to what color hair he's going to have, if it will be curly or straight, and who's eyes/feet/hands he'll have. I hope he has Aaron's nose. I have my dad's hands and feet but my mother's skin.

Little Bue, I love learning more about you and I am not a fan of having to wait to do it but 'for you I will', as Monica put it. (My first cd single I'd ever owned.)

A Re-Occurring Theme

Last weekend Aaron had Spiritual Formation class in Charlotte. I went with him and hooked myself to our friend's Netflix and watched almost 17 episodes of Dexter from the beginning of the 1st season, (never seen it before, was pretty sure I didn't really like it right away, but it grew on me.....). When I wasn't watching Dexter, I spent time at Trader Joes, ate great food with Aaron, and went to one evening of his class with him. It was fun meeting people and being a student for a night. The lecture was very introductory but good about depth in spirituality. There was also a session the head of the counseling department came in and spoke about 'attachment theories' with children and adults. It was interesting. I really get psychology, even though I don't buy it all because some is just really hard efforts to put everyone in some kind of box. Anyway, if you don't know about it, you should read something on it because it is interesting. And I may have learned something about my rearing and how I relate or attach to people, that I found helpful.

Saturday we met up with the Heaslips and had dinner and spent time catching up. I love that family and Aaron and I are both super encouraged with good time with them. Sunday church was incredible. Its hard not to wish we lived in Charlotte merely to hear this pastor every Sunday. I've only heard him twice but he has a presence that you know the Holy Spirit is with him. And you know they spend time together through the week. He told great, to-the-point stories about his week. He spoke on Revelation 10 and 11, Aaron said it's probably the most debated scripture in Revelation. I loved it. It was hearty. And we watched a video clip from a documentary done in 2009 about Martin Luther King's death. There was a great tie-in for that, it wasn't random at all. Revelation speaks about being a witness and the title of the movie was "The Witness". I think he said it could be found entirely online. .... To top it all off, the church had a tent outside and staff that made root-beer floats for everyone in celebration of Father's Day. (Aaron's first technically!)

At our smallgroup this week we talked about comparing themes in Adam and Eve's lives and Noah's. This may seem obvious but they were also witnesses. This theme has really impacted me. After talking about the two different stories for over 45 minutes, the covenants that were made, the missional aspects of these scriptures; the fact that these people witnesses came back to me. I've just never thought about it. At first I was annoyed a little, because I am impatient and kind of wanted to move on. There's lots of "be fruitful and multiply" and "spread about the earth" but outside of relationship and love and the reconciliation, I felt like what we were talking about was pretty elementary, until the simple re-occurring theme from earlier this week dawned on me. Noah was a witness to something incredible. Building a huge boat in the middle of a drought was probably really lame, even if he did have faith. Getting on that boat and seeing the world around him get swallowed up probably didn't feel all that great either. Spending 40 days and nights on that boat probably got a little old. I don't imagine him and his family to be playing endless games of texas hold-em and singing road-trip songs the whole time. .... Then the last few days when he was sending out birds to try to find some land, I bet those were some LONG days. Even if he knew God would in the end save them.  .... So the story is concluded with everyone getting off the boat, surely celebration, a rainbow and a covenant. I've never appreciated this story like I do now. ...... The thought to really bow my head every time I see a rainbow hit me. The thought may be silly but there's so much packed into it. We were focusing a lot on what was being said about mission in these passages in Genesis. The fact that these humans experienced what they experienced, then told the stories for years and years to bring God the glory. All of this put a new meaning to the word 'witness' for me. Previously the word annoyed me because it made me think of irritating people that want to be seen as righteous and surely have good in their hearts but are so busy trying to tell "their story" that they don't ask questions or want to understand the people that they're talking to. I realize these thoughts are simple but I love it.


Today I'm going to yoga at noon and writing some letters.
Gender specific ultra-sound in just over 2 weeks!
My Toyota is working great with new breaks. I am enjoying it so much.
We're having dinner with my sister tonight at her new apartment and tomorrow I'll be hanging out and helping with a friend's wedding all day.
And I guess I should note that last night, many people remarked on the baby that was obviously growing inside my belly. Hooray chub! It's getting baby shaped!

Love, love, love, love, love.

Sidenote: Why I like blogs, Why I hate blogs:

OH Man.
I was browsing through my "subscribed blogs" while Aaron was playing guitar beside me this weekend. He stopped to look at some pictures of a cute family of 3 talking about how they spent their fathers day, tons of tattoos and attractiveness with trendy iPhone photos. He asked a question I think then got upset and said "I don't want to look at these" and got up and moved away to continue playing guitar. I thought he was just fussing to discourage me from spending time online but I asked him "what's wrong?" and he said "looking at those photos makes me feel like I'm missing out on something. No matter what my life is like, when I see pictures like that I can't help but want something about what I see." ..... WOW. You may think this is silly, but I know my husband, and when he's hurting, or confessing something that he thinks is gross within himself.

I started thinking. I don't get upset, or necessarily envy the things I see on people's blogs... but then I realized, I enjoy seeing these blogs because I like hearing about the exciting things in people's lives. I even enjoy a post about an outfit and why someone is so proud of it once in a while. People write mostly about the things in their days that they are most proud of or happy about. It's in some ways a really, really positive way to spend your time, sharing what you love about your life. I enjoy doing it and am inspired by other people's cute pictures and sweet date photos and ideas with their husbands or families, picnics in parks, camping trips, icecream moments, or craft ideas.

THEN, you think about how these things do affect you. I have had a few conversations with Aaron, never impressed with anything that keeps me on the computer for long stretches of time; he has brought up the idea that I am comparing myself to the people I see online. I have insisted this isn't true. I really do like the blogs most that are by people that I know and they just share about their lives. It's easy to make fun of the people I don't know and lighten the pressure I may feel looking at pictures of how adorable their families or evenings are by telling myself and him "these people spend way too much time thinking about how they are going to share what they're experiencing with their blog friends instead of really enjoying what they're going through."

I've been really motivated to blog about my daily activities merely because Kaki is a few countries away and I like feeling like she's still living things out with me. I don't like realizing she hasn't been informed of something that I really enjoyed or experienced days or months down the road when I want to laugh about something - then she gets the LONG back story. And because I care as much as I do about Kaki, I figure anyone else I care a lot about could share the same with me by posting it online. So I like that. I like being an open book. Of course I like sharing my joys. I also like sharing my struggles. More than people probably always want to know, but I love sharing how I'm learning to rely on my Maker. And as much as I want to learn to be a "gentle and quiet spirit", I want to learn to be open and strong in prayer. I want people to know they can ask me to pray for them because I will, and I don't want to take myself or my problems so seriously that they are too big to share with the world. Privacy is something that I am not sure I care much about in some ways these days. I don't want privacy any more than is needed to experience intimacy and intentionality with friends and family. For a long time, I haven't understood why people keep as much to themselves as they do. I don't think I so much process things externally as I strive to live as externally as I can. Really experiencing what I go through. I feel like I get much more fellowship this way. Does that make sense?

ANYWAY, I don't like blogging because I do judge people. A lot. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I could do the things I see other people doing. Inspiration does cross over with envy at times. I loved that Aaron shared what he did and was so aware. I don't feel the way he feels necessarily but think any creative person, or less creative for that matter, would feel some version of it browsing through blogs, magazines, tv? Any media these days. Even a silly Relevant Christian Magazine article could bring this out.

I'm not sure what the solution is. I think I had decided a couple times in the past weekend to stop writing a blog. At the chance I wasn't being entirely honest. I don't know if anyone is encouraged by the things I write about that aren't easy or I am enjoying. That's what I'd hope for. I did start this to write out thoughts to make a baby book but maybe I should let the letters I want to write to my little one be just for my little one and friends until I get published. HAH.

Anyway. Hooray writing. I love writing. I think I like it more than I like other art forms that I have experience in. It's the only one that I am confident I can be truly heard with.