OH Man.
I was browsing through my "subscribed blogs" while Aaron was playing guitar beside me this weekend. He stopped to look at some pictures of a cute family of 3 talking about how they spent their fathers day, tons of tattoos and attractiveness with trendy iPhone photos. He asked a question I think then got upset and said "I don't want to look at these" and got up and moved away to continue playing guitar. I thought he was just fussing to discourage me from spending time online but I asked him "what's wrong?" and he said "looking at those photos makes me feel like I'm missing out on something. No matter what my life is like, when I see pictures like that I can't help but want something about what I see." ..... WOW. You may think this is silly, but I know my husband, and when he's hurting, or confessing something that he thinks is gross within himself.
I started thinking. I don't get upset, or necessarily envy the things I see on people's blogs... but then I realized, I enjoy seeing these blogs because I like hearing about the exciting things in people's lives. I even enjoy a post about an outfit and why someone is so proud of it once in a while. People write mostly about the things in their days that they are most proud of or happy about. It's in some ways a really, really positive way to spend your time, sharing what you love about your life. I enjoy doing it and am inspired by other people's cute pictures and sweet date photos and ideas with their husbands or families, picnics in parks, camping trips, icecream moments, or craft ideas.
THEN, you think about how these things do affect you. I have had a few conversations with Aaron, never impressed with anything that keeps me on the computer for long stretches of time; he has brought up the idea that I am comparing myself to the people I see online. I have insisted this isn't true. I really do like the blogs most that are by people that I know and they just share about their lives. It's easy to make fun of the people I don't know and lighten the pressure I may feel looking at pictures of how adorable their families or evenings are by telling myself and him "these people spend way too much time thinking about how they are going to share what they're experiencing with their blog friends instead of really enjoying what they're going through."
I've been really motivated to blog about my daily activities merely because Kaki is a few countries away and I like feeling like she's still living things out with me. I don't like realizing she hasn't been informed of something that I really enjoyed or experienced days or months down the road when I want to laugh about something - then she gets the LONG back story. And because I care as much as I do about Kaki, I figure anyone else I care a lot about could share the same with me by posting it online. So I like that. I like being an open book. Of course I like sharing my joys. I also like sharing my struggles. More than people probably always want to know, but I love sharing how I'm learning to rely on my Maker. And as much as I want to learn to be a "gentle and quiet spirit", I want to learn to be open and strong in prayer. I want people to know they can ask me to pray for them because I will, and I don't want to take myself or my problems so seriously that they are too big to share with the world. Privacy is something that I am not sure I care much about in some ways these days. I don't want privacy any more than is needed to experience intimacy and intentionality with friends and family. For a long time, I haven't understood why people keep as much to themselves as they do. I don't think I so much process things externally as I strive to live as externally as I can. Really experiencing what I go through. I feel like I get much more fellowship this way. Does that make sense?
ANYWAY, I don't like blogging because I do judge people. A lot. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I could do the things I see other people doing. Inspiration does cross over with envy at times. I loved that Aaron shared what he did and was so aware. I don't feel the way he feels necessarily but think any creative person, or less creative for that matter, would feel some version of it browsing through blogs, magazines, tv? Any media these days. Even a silly Relevant Christian Magazine article could bring this out.
I'm not sure what the solution is. I think I had decided a couple times in the past weekend to stop writing a blog. At the chance I wasn't being entirely honest. I don't know if anyone is encouraged by the things I write about that aren't easy or I am enjoying. That's what I'd hope for. I did start this to write out thoughts to make a baby book but maybe I should let the letters I want to write to my little one be just for my little one and friends until I get published. HAH.
Anyway. Hooray writing. I love writing. I think I like it more than I like other art forms that I have experience in. It's the only one that I am confident I can be truly heard with.
I was browsing through my "subscribed blogs" while Aaron was playing guitar beside me this weekend. He stopped to look at some pictures of a cute family of 3 talking about how they spent their fathers day, tons of tattoos and attractiveness with trendy iPhone photos. He asked a question I think then got upset and said "I don't want to look at these" and got up and moved away to continue playing guitar. I thought he was just fussing to discourage me from spending time online but I asked him "what's wrong?" and he said "looking at those photos makes me feel like I'm missing out on something. No matter what my life is like, when I see pictures like that I can't help but want something about what I see." ..... WOW. You may think this is silly, but I know my husband, and when he's hurting, or confessing something that he thinks is gross within himself.
I started thinking. I don't get upset, or necessarily envy the things I see on people's blogs... but then I realized, I enjoy seeing these blogs because I like hearing about the exciting things in people's lives. I even enjoy a post about an outfit and why someone is so proud of it once in a while. People write mostly about the things in their days that they are most proud of or happy about. It's in some ways a really, really positive way to spend your time, sharing what you love about your life. I enjoy doing it and am inspired by other people's cute pictures and sweet date photos and ideas with their husbands or families, picnics in parks, camping trips, icecream moments, or craft ideas.
THEN, you think about how these things do affect you. I have had a few conversations with Aaron, never impressed with anything that keeps me on the computer for long stretches of time; he has brought up the idea that I am comparing myself to the people I see online. I have insisted this isn't true. I really do like the blogs most that are by people that I know and they just share about their lives. It's easy to make fun of the people I don't know and lighten the pressure I may feel looking at pictures of how adorable their families or evenings are by telling myself and him "these people spend way too much time thinking about how they are going to share what they're experiencing with their blog friends instead of really enjoying what they're going through."
I've been really motivated to blog about my daily activities merely because Kaki is a few countries away and I like feeling like she's still living things out with me. I don't like realizing she hasn't been informed of something that I really enjoyed or experienced days or months down the road when I want to laugh about something - then she gets the LONG back story. And because I care as much as I do about Kaki, I figure anyone else I care a lot about could share the same with me by posting it online. So I like that. I like being an open book. Of course I like sharing my joys. I also like sharing my struggles. More than people probably always want to know, but I love sharing how I'm learning to rely on my Maker. And as much as I want to learn to be a "gentle and quiet spirit", I want to learn to be open and strong in prayer. I want people to know they can ask me to pray for them because I will, and I don't want to take myself or my problems so seriously that they are too big to share with the world. Privacy is something that I am not sure I care much about in some ways these days. I don't want privacy any more than is needed to experience intimacy and intentionality with friends and family. For a long time, I haven't understood why people keep as much to themselves as they do. I don't think I so much process things externally as I strive to live as externally as I can. Really experiencing what I go through. I feel like I get much more fellowship this way. Does that make sense?
ANYWAY, I don't like blogging because I do judge people. A lot. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I could do the things I see other people doing. Inspiration does cross over with envy at times. I loved that Aaron shared what he did and was so aware. I don't feel the way he feels necessarily but think any creative person, or less creative for that matter, would feel some version of it browsing through blogs, magazines, tv? Any media these days. Even a silly Relevant Christian Magazine article could bring this out.
I'm not sure what the solution is. I think I had decided a couple times in the past weekend to stop writing a blog. At the chance I wasn't being entirely honest. I don't know if anyone is encouraged by the things I write about that aren't easy or I am enjoying. That's what I'd hope for. I did start this to write out thoughts to make a baby book but maybe I should let the letters I want to write to my little one be just for my little one and friends until I get published. HAH.
Anyway. Hooray writing. I love writing. I think I like it more than I like other art forms that I have experience in. It's the only one that I am confident I can be truly heard with.
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