My World.

I'm giving up reading blogs for lent, but that doesn't count my own journaling.  Anyway, this isn't going to be lengthy. Just a few photos. I think he was 6 weeks old. I'm thinking we're going to try to get an "official" picture of Woodrow every 3 months. You can see the changes better than every month. Also, I don't know when I'll want to stop so it will save room when I make a book of his pictures when he goes to college. Haha. Just kidding.

I love lent!
I love that every year it means more to me. And I love that my husband loves the Lord and encourages me by walking with me through new scripture every year. Someday I will actually follow along every week to the extent I'd like to. Good gracious, this season is rich!

All that's happening these days is fighting to keep track of time. It's flying by. I am starting to enjoy work again now that I don't feel like my world is being dropped when Woodrow isn't in my arms. And I'm taking applications for babysitters. The kind that realize its a complete privelidge to watch my baby and won't take money. Haha. Also, babysitters that understand the importance of Aaron and I spending some quiet moments away from sweet Woodrow. (Necessary when having set a goal to put our marriage first.)

So here you go:
by Richard Israel.

My loves. My world.

Oh. My. Goodness. My heart is full.

Sailor Jude and her sweet mother Sheena.

Nothing sweeter.

This is a favorite of ours.

Aaron asked for a family photo by the tree. I love that we are almost guaranteed to look awkward. Really, I like that about us.

He's not this small anymore! More like twice this size.

2 and a half months, + a week = 11 weeks

Woodrow is 14 and a half pounds. He's in the 90'th percentile. Bad at math? That means, 10 percent of babies are as big as him at his age! We have a little monster.

Our family went to Charlotte for a weekend, I went with Woodrow and Kaki to Atlanta for a weekend. Cloth diapers are fully under-way and it is so great. It's so much easier than I thought it would be, probably because so many people give you a look when you are pregnant and say that's what you're going to try. I even used them traveling on my own and had to wash a handfull in the tub in order to have enough for the last day of our trip. It was surprisingly easy, fulfilling, and maybe a little repulsive to one of our hosts... but we did it!

So many things are happening that bring me joy that I think, "next baby we have I may not have the time to notice these things so take note of it now".



I was thinking about all of the random things I wish I had been writing down as the last 11 weeks have gone by and I figured I'd make a couple lists just to get it out. More so than with pregnancy, things change day to day and week to week and I wish I was more in the habit of writing it all down. 

Favorite things:

1. Having a baby in our home -Hooray babies! I look at all babies with a new appreciation. I never had any lasting thoughts or interest in all the little ones before. Now everything about them and parenting has color in a way that I feel like it only can being on this side of things. Our home doesn't ever feel empty with Woodrow here. It feels bursting with beginnings and life, especially when he's sleeping and I can stop and appreciate it all.
2. Thinking about more babies - It blows my mind to think about how much love I could have for more children now that we have Woodrow. The few days after labor, I already wanted to go through it again, just not pregnancy. I think maybe 4 or 5 weeks later I started to miss pregnancy. Everything is richer with him here and if we'd had things our way, we wouldn't have had Woodrow right now, our two year mark is this coming July... God's sovereignty has amazed us through all of this. Sure, ask me again after the next one, but right now I wouldn't mind having 5 or 6. (Aaron would probably look terrified hearing these numbers.)
3. Woodrow's smile -Melts my heart.
4. The first hour of each day - Woodrow is most alert and usually can't stop smiling or coo'ing about who knows what. He's totally a morning person so far.
5. Hearing from Aaron how proud he is of me - Best thing ever. It beats all of the other affirmations I could hear. Not all the time, but sometimes, it is a lot of work taking care of a babe and it doesn't require notice to feel great, but to have someone hug you and tell you how hard they see you working, or how much of yourself you give - it beats all.
6. Woodrow's sleepy gurgles, squeaks, and whimpers - They have lessened since he was born, but boy did those sweet noises surprise me. Not only had I never heard a noisy new born sleep before, but who ever knew it could sound so sweet.
7. The moments when Aaron and I are alone are sweeter than ever before - Maybe because they feel like a sort of calm in the middle of a tired, not so wild storm, but they are so peaceful.
8. Woodrow Bright Buchanan - the name. It's so good. And suits him so well. Most common said word so far about him when he's awake "he's so bright!" or "he's so bright eyed!" Haha, maybe those are cliche baby compliments but it works.
9. Scheduled feeding/sleeping times - Also known as "babywise". I did a little researching and most resources spoke negatively of the Babywise method. I have only read a little of the book and asked a lot of questions but the more I have learned and played around with, the easier EVERYthing is for us. Woodrow has become predictable and consistant, I can read his cues and he rarely cries anymore without me knowing pretty much exactly why. In the beginning, these things seemed so confusing to me because it felt a little chaotic making it up as I went along... but now I do feel super settled and like I understand my baby. Anyway, this is really exciting to me.
10. Breastfeeding! - Totally hurt at first. Actually, for me, it kinda hurt a bit at the beginning of every feeding for the first 7 weeks I think. But I'd just bear down and get over those first few seconds. I was also engorged like crazy on one side. That was also painful sometimes and I didn't know that it could happen. It was a journey but its so great. Woodrow had a gunky eye at like 3 weeks and I read to put breastmilk in it and it cleared it up in a few hours. Weird and AMAZING. Also, someone told me the same works to help loosen snot when they are congested. We will see!
11. Moments with friends sharing life - There aren't near as many girl-sit-downs this early in the game but I am so refreshed by them. I love sharing my wealth of experiences and struggles and going through them with other people with similar or super different things going on. This is kinda big and vague but its friendship, its more meaningful than it ever has been.

Hardest things:

1. Lack of sleep - People try to warn you but warnings can't prepare you for weeks without being able to really catch up. When it's not getting to me, it seems to always be getting to Aaron. In all the time I've known him, I've never known him this way... it's growing and hard at times. We actually left town for a few days and Aaron still didn't feel caught up. We're very different. Now, all I need is 6 hours to feel like a new person.
2. How fast he grows - People talk about that all the time too. I have been shocked at how big he is since he was 6 weeks old. I'm serious, 90th percentile folks! Big, sweet boy.
3. The first time I got sick being a new mom - Wow, I really felt like I had it under control. All I had was a cold but I am such a fan of totally pampering myself when I don't feel good and that couldn't happen. It felt like a gamble to see if he'd sleep long enough for me to get anything done, much less, lay down. It only lasted 3 days but it took the rug out from under me. I'm already confident though, after that first one, the next time will be so much easier. It was just such a shock.
4. The first time he got sick - 2 days ago he started coughing and I knew something was up. A friend said it was likely just some drainage and propping him up, keeping our home humid would help. The first night, he woke up with a horrible sounding cough, he'd choke then scream with frustration. It broke my heart and scared me half to death. I woke Aaron up but wasn't making much sense as I was crying and talking about urgent care and choking. Apparently it's a common virus but since he's so little, we just have to let it run its course and keep an eye on his temperature. It's the saddest thing to see someone so tiny gurgle, snore, and cough so much.
5. Being responsible with my down time - All I want to do is hang out with people, look at Woodrow, sleep, or watch movies. I've started a couple crafts and cooked a bit, and I have been working a few hours a week since he's been born but none of it is immediately what I want to do though it does feel great to be productive. Don't ask me when the last time I read something on my own accord was.
6. I feel guilty, a lot. - I find myself apologizing a lot to people that are helping me. I don't ask for help well it turns out and I don't know how to take it well I'm afraid. Same goes for getting compliments, that's always been awkward. I hope these things change because I don't want it to be rooted in pride.

There were a lot more things on my mental list before I sat down, so I'll hopefully be adding things.

2 Months In

I've been experiencing so many new things and its flying by way too fast to make records. I really could use help. Woodrow is huge. He doesn't feel like an infant to me anymore. Even hanging out with older children, he seems so big to me. He is heavier and as large as a lot of our friends 6+ month olds. (He is 2 months and a week.)

His hands are big. His feet are big. His little body has leveled out to sweet, rolly, perfect proportions. Also, between sleep schedules changing and starting to make some sense, feeding all the time to feeding on schedule, loud baby noises, and alert eyes - new born'ness seems so far gone. Everyone thinks I'm crazy, and that's okay... maybe even preferred, but I already want another baby. I didn't feel that way immediately, but now I am confident that I would love it. I know it'd be hard but I am confident that it will be pretty difficult to adjust whenever it happened, so I'm thinking, the sooner the better while we're having constant humility lessons. Woodrow is amazing. Either people exaggerate about how hard babies can be, they are mistaken and it's just sleep deprivation that makes any task more difficult, or babies really can be super difficult and we are really, really fortunate. Woodrow seemed collicky a few nights maybe, that was stressful but mostly because I always start to stress about "what if this keeps happening?" "what if I never get sleep again?" .... so I suppose I am not easily stressed in the moment, I just start thinking ahead and it wears me out.

One thing that has been constantly on my mind since we had Woodrow is how fractured community really is. We were really impressed even with how our church community were dropping by with food and visiting in the last 2 months... it's been so great feeling supported that way. But it's hard for me to believe people would ever be overwhelmed, or burnt out with kids if they had friends and/or family really close. I mean stopping by all the time, walking to each other's houses. People helping out so much that you have to ask for time alone really. I am a big fan of alone time, but it's sad to me that people rarely have to protect alone time for any other reason than getting too busy with other things in their own schedule. I swear I am not somebody that wants people around all the time but I am confident that that's what true community should be. After having Woodrow, I also know what it's like to want people to step out of my home and give me time with my new family member and Aaron but it is sad to me that people get married, and sometimes before kids even come, they are hard to get ahold of... but then kids happen, and life gets busier. It shouldn't be hard to see people you love. We shouldn't all be so spread out and consumed with our own goings on. I guess I feel this way a lot because making time to go out and see people with a new baby is hard.. and I'm sure I will get the hang of it better... as a matter of fact, last weekend we went to Charlotte for the weekend (2ish hour trip out of town), and this weekend, Woodrow and I are in Atlanta (3+ hours) seeing friends. But without friends willing to just come and sit with me between naps, friends wanting to go to lunch, friends just showing up - it would be super hard to be involved in other people's lives and really easy to just soak up time in my home away from everyone. YES, there's good time for down time and nesting, but I don't think we should ever be far removed from friendship, encouragement, and accountability.

Wow, rambles.

That wasn't near as coherent as I'd like it to be but I am a little distracted and feeling guilty cause I am at a friend's house and trying to put down a few of these thoughts while they're fresh. (By the way, living in a house with 5 other women for a couple days feels strangely like it could work long term. ... I desire physical closeness and intimacy so much right now.) So much we've been experiencing is in the past and I can't believe how far away some of it feels. It brings me a lot of peace to recount the incredible things I'm going through, it brings me joy to look back at my writings and share them with people, and it encourages me when I start to feel crazy.

Anyway, this was a strange little post. It's super evident reading back over it that I am exhausted but most importantly, super in love. I love feeling like we're growing. 

Birth

2:20AM I looked at the clock and was super frustrated to be up and going to the bathroom yet again in the 2 hours I'd been trying to sleep. Aaron woke up when I was crawling back in bed and asked if I was okay. I told him it must be gas that was upsetting my stomach because it felt awful and wouldn't go away... within the hour I realized it was contractions. It's still funny to me that I thought it was gas, partly due to refried beans we'd eaten for supper and Aaron having an upset stomach. Really, knowing they were contractions made it better because I wasn't so annoyed with having to visit the bathroom constantly incase of movement. (Sorry, if that's too much information.) We timed them and they were 10-15ish minutes apart. (Hospital time - Active Labor is about 4 minutes apart.)

So once we established I was having contractions, within the hour, Aaron decided he'd try to sleep while I hung out in our living room, trying to distract myself. It didn't occur to me that this was it, that labor was officially starting. Partly because of a Dr. appointment the previous day and no progress with dialation and also because of our birthing classes, (that we loved!), informing us that first time moms often think their labor is further along than it really is and they get worked up before it's time - I was sure that these contractions were just some kind of early labor. We were told in the case of early labor, drink lots of water, and lay down... I watched a couple episodes of 'Friday Night Lights' on Netflix and tried every position I could think of to relieve the pressure from the contractions. By 6AM, contractions were 7-10 minutes apart. I wanted some encouragement from my midwife, so I called her and I'm pretty sure I convinced her that I was definitely not in labor, just curious if she thought I could take a bath without slowing progress. The funny thing is that I was definitely in labor but I didn't want to blow it out of proportion so I played it down all morning. I thought I was saving all alarm till I "really" needed it. Aaron woke up around 6:30AM I think and I was getting into the bath tub. Contractions were 5-8 minutes apart and strong. They were nothing like I thought they'd be, but I was convinced for some reason that this was just the beginnings of labor, if anything. I tried to breath them out, this may seem silly but it was awkward. And I've found through all of this, that when I am struggling with anything, I tend to hold my breath instead of breath deeply. Aaron was supposed to work at 8AM and when it came around, he was pretty sure he wanted to call into work, but I thought, if this isn't "it", he needed to get more hours because he'd be taking off work when the baby came anyway. So Aaron went to work around 9AM.

He asked me to time and write down how far apart my contractions were. Though I was plenty excited about possibly meeting my babe soon, being tired from getting no sleep the evening previous - I was falling asleep between contractions, that were getting steadily closer. I totally didn't see it. I was texting a few people -telling them to pray for me, texting Aaron -telling him contractions weren't getting closer that I could tell... I was crazy. After everything, we read back all of our text messages to each other and it was hilarious. I kept saying "things are fine here, but maybe you should come home when you get to a good stopping point", or "the contractions don't seem closer but I miss you"... hahah! And everything in between. ... I got a call from a friend from church. She was a week further along than me, her due date was the 2 days earlier. Before I even knew why she called I had to tell her I'd call her back after my contraction that was coming on. I think I called her back and had to hang up again so she texted me asking if she should come over. I checked with Aaron to see if he'd mind her coming by and he said no. She is a doula by the way, totally heaven-sent. She came over some time around 11am. She found me in some cool bath water, aching through contractions. She watched a couple and timed them, I was between 2 and 5 minutes apart. They were pretty consistant but every once in a while I'd have a small one that felt like it was tailing the last. They were so crazy. Nothing anyone had ever told me could prepare me for what they were like. People don't really go into too much detail it seems. ANYWAY, my friend Brianna said "wow" and told me we were calling Aaron to come home and take me to the hospital, and our midwife to tell her we were going. Aaron was clocking out of work when she called so he got home right away, it was about noon. They dressed me, helped me into the car with our bags. I climbed in the middle seat of our toyota and hunched over the bench seat. The next 5-7 minutes were like something out of a movie. I'm moaning and grunting on all fours in the back seat while Aaron is driving like a maniac. He had the caution lights on, layed on the horn at a taxi he claimed was trying to cut him off, and may have ran through a red light. I don't remember seeing much outside of the car, but I remember thinking we were going to get pulled over and Aaron was going to sass a cop and we would never get to the hospital.

We got there, Aaron parked at the correct entrance and ran inside, got a wheelchair. Two nurses came out and asked to help. Some odd men were sitting in a huge truck near by and I felt so exposed. The door to the car was open, Aaron and two women and the men in the truck were watching me try to be composed through a contraction in the car. As soon as it stopped, I climbed out and was wheeled in. I advise telling the nurses to hurry if they don't mind cause I didn't have the nerve and they took me on a couple laps around the hospital trying to distract me with conversation about the weather. Again, having contractions in a chair, being wheeled past anyone hanging out in the hallways makes one feel exposed. There's something intimate about contracting and making the noises you make. Haha.

I think it was about 12:30 when I was wheeled into a special area for checking my progress. The nurse dropped me off in a large closet sized space with a curtain and asked me to get undressed and climb onto the table. I think Aaron was helping me because I barely remember getting up there. I do remember ripping off my clothes and putting on a nightgown... that was nice. Before she had time to check anything else, she checked to see how dialated I was. 9 CENTIMETERS. No big deal aye? Things picked up pace all of a sudden. The nurse immediately started wheeling my table out with me on it and told the people at a desk close by to get my midwife because "this is happening". Hahah.. I don't think I understood how close I was, but I was really thankful that we were moving finally.

We were brought into the birthing suite we'd requested, WATER WORLD. I hadn't really felt strongly about it but Aaron had brought it up a few times that I may like birthing in water so we signed up to get a room with a tub. I liked the rooms without tubs better because they still had bathrooms with small bath tubs but they were big, roomy, with large windows overlooking the mountains. Now that I've done it, you don't spend any time looking out windows when you're in labor. Or any time caring about the size of your room. I didn't even notice but Aaron was on top of things once we got in there. He turned down the overhead lights and was helping me with signing papers, and answering nurses questions. Someone even stepped in at some point and asked him if we minded if a student attended our birth. Of course he said no as long as it didn't get too crazy. I missed that, but it turned out that the student was also a massage therapist and she had her hands on me almost the whole time, which was very nice. :) My friend Brianna was there, I'd asked her to come if she didn't mind... what an incredible woman... she had two little spray bottles with essential lavender and orange oils that you wouldn't believe the difference they made. She also had emergen-C packets and a sweet calm presence that Aaron and I were both so grateful for. So, I got into the water, kneeling on towels and perched in the corner of the huge tub, like I was in a boxing ring. At all times, people were rubbing my shoulders, serving me water with straws, wiping my brow, and everyone was taking turns squeezing my hips during contractions. Everyone was surrounding me like a well-oiled machine. I kept getting encouragement about how I was doing and little tips on how to conserve my energy. All I could think about was "you guys must say this to everyone" and "a c-section doesn't sound so bad after all"... I was thinking really lame things but I kept it all in. I know now looking back that I was scared, I still thought that I had possibly hours and hours left to go... and I had no experience to gauge how far along I was. So.... I think the details were, I was in the tub and laboring by 1pm and little Woodrow Bright Buchanan was born at 2:19pm. I'm not sure, but I think that's fast folks. I was sure after everyone's stories I'd heard I would be a long laborer.

Contractions are heavy. They started out so irritating and mild and at some point, it took all my focus just to relax my shoulders and legs during them. I would tense up involuntarily. It's the most intense thing I've ever experienced for sure, but people ask if it was the most painful and it doesn't compare to any pain I've ever experienced.

I think I started actually pushing around 1:45 or 2pm. It wasn't long but again, once I started I had no idea how long it'd last and I was a little terrified it'd be going on for hours also. I was really scared too of tearing. I had heard everyone's thoughts and experiences on it but never asked what it was actually like. I thought there'd be a scary pop and the baby would bust out. I thought I'd scream or something. Anyway, this may be too much but it's all just so powerful and you're so stimulated that one thing doesn't really stick out from another. .... My midwife told me at some point to feel his head and all the hair. That was wild, cause if she hadn't told me, I wouldn't have known he was that close to coming. STILL, I thought it could take forever. I really wasn't giving myself a break. Within minutes, his head was out and the midwife was telling Aaron that he'd be grabbing him, her hands would stay on the baby as well, and they'd tuck him under my legs without lifting him out of the water and I would receive him and bring him to my skin out of the water. I have a picture but it may be too much to share... Brianna somehow caught this moment when we're staring at our little one. I felt nothing like I imagined I'd feel. No tv moment for me. Time did stop. He was staring at me, his eyes were huge... there was no sound, no crying. I may have been shaking. I was staring at him thinking "hello little human", "this doesn't look like either of us", "oh my gosh a baby", "he's so sticky", "I'm so glad it's over!", and "oh my gosh, it's a baby!". It was amazing. You don't get those moments back. It was so sweet and in the weirdest way, unexpected. Some part of me didn't believe it was real. I guess I still don't.

Kaki said to me the other day, "it sort of feels like someone just dropped this baby off for you to take care of for a while". Well, someone sort of did. Haha. ... The only thing making it feel real is getting familiar with him. It's so strange to not know him better than anyone when he first came and to less and less forget how much I like him when I'm not looking at him. If that makes sense. For example, when I would sleep at the hospital, I would forget what he looked like, then when I'd see him again, it'd be new and perfect all over again.

Once he was born, I fed him almost immediately, time was still. Everything was so sweet. He didn't feel like mine but it was amazing. He was 8 and a half lbs. His hair, oh his hair! was dark, wavy, and greasy with vernix. The vernix was even really sweet to me. ... We stayed 2 days and 2 nights in the hospital. It was a lot like a vacation. We had lots of friends from church come visit. I loved that. We were so proud. We're still so proud. I rarely say "thankyou" when someone says how sweet or pretty he is. I forget it's a compliment. I think of it more as facts.

So... here he is. We love him. And we're learning what it's like to not sleep, to think through screaming, to wear baby throw up and pee as an accessory, and hopefully learning how to love unconditionally. So much is hard but obviously so much more is good. Actually, it's all good aside from the times we aren't thankful. It's so incredible to see God working through this new life in our home. I don't know how to be disciplined and have intentional alone time through this. I forget that instead of my decisions whether I should use a pacifier or feed him on demand, what will shape him is how I love his daddy and the way I pursue the Lord. .... It's all so incredible though. There are many ways that I feel cliche and unoriginal. I can't multitask better than everyone I've ever known like I thought I would. I can't get out of the house as quickly as I thought I would. Aaron and I keep finding new ways we're being humbled and it's so good! We know better than anyone else how much we need it believe it or not.

Hooray life!

Aaron just got home from a really long day of work and we're making grilled chicken, feta, and walnut salads for dinner. Yum. We're probably going to watch obscene amounts of Parks and Recreation on Netflix too. And stare at our baby. Good day.

Meet Woody Bright.

 When his eyes are really open, they are so so big.

10 days later, I gave birth to a completely perfect, sweet, soft, bundle of life and love named Woodrow Bright Buchanan. November 30, 2011. 2:19pm. 8lbs, 8oz. What an end to a pregnancy story, and beginning to a new season of change, adjustment, growth, and family. I'm not sure I've ever been so exhausted combined with a feeling that I could explode trying to articulate all of the feelings and thoughts I'm having and experiencing. Having this new baby boy makes me feel full in a way I've never felt. I can have no energy, and feel absent minded and useless, yet more needed and wanted than any human on earth. I feel strong and courageous while my body feels close to broken. I'm essentially on bed rest, though that doesn't really mean much because I am not good at following directions. I spend little time actually in bed. Also, being about 30 lb's lighter overnight leaves me feeling like I want to get a lot done with my new, more mobile self.

 I will have more to say soon. My labor and delivery was so incredible and I can't wait to write it all out, but right now we're soaking up the newness and sharing it with as many people as we can. Gosh, oh gosh it is so much fun having a little human in our home.

MANY more pictures to come.

Self Pitty

So I was saving the last post to add some pictures and really update fully but realized coming back to it just now, not only has a bit of time passed but I have had very new experiences in the last day, much less weeks since I wrote.

I will cut to the chase, to say that I woke up yesterday morning feeling sorry for myself. It's been easy to imagine ways I could complain, or ways others seem to have a hard time in pregnancy but overall, things have been so good and I don't think I've been editing myself in saying that. I don't do that well anyway. Even if there have been times where I started to feel huge or less attractive, or even fussy, I have had overwhelming support from more than a few people that have helped me feel appreciated and encouraged through the last 9 months. Yesterday morning I woke up in a funk though. It was mostly in the sleepy first minutes of the day when I was saying goodbye to Aaron as he left for work but he noticed before I did. I don't even remember what I said or how I said it but by the time I woke up and had some breakfast, I realized that out of eagerness and impatience to meet our baby Bue, frustration with still lugging around a large belly, and changes that are so soon to come that will undoubtedly change things I haven't even thought of - I had sent my husband off to work without showing him that I appreciated him. Not only that, but I didn't wake up thankful in any way. It was all about me, as much as it could be. I don't think I'm being hard on myself. I wrestled with it all day in different ways. I essentially had the thoughts that I shouldn't have to still be pregnant. I had decided long ago that once I got to 37 weeks, the baby should come and God would surely let him because I have had a great pregnancy and I really didn't want to wait any more. .... Does that sound crazy? I think I had totally decided he was coming early. He still definitely could, but I am faced with the truth that God has successfully timed EVERY moment I've had on this earth without need for my input. So if my child came tomorrow (or in 3-ish measly weeks), I now feel like the kid that threw the tantrum about not getting ice-cream on the way to the surprise ice-cream party.

All that to say, today I fell in love again. Haha. Maybe it was partly because communion is offered every Sunday at our church and I'm faced with the gift of grace whether I go looking for it or not. But I love those moments you see your sin for what it is, small or big, still serious. I don't feel beat up. I feel loved. I feel moved. I feel pursued and taken care of. I have had so much peace in my home and life for the last year. I've had nothing to complain about.  And I can't get over how good it feels, I don't ever want to stop loving it, when I remember that I'm not in control - Christ is... and I am better off because of it. Even if Him being in control just means that despite how I would wish things to go, they will go as they should and He will receive glory. I love it! I get so cheesy, I know. I kinda think genuine love is unpreventably cheesy with me.

I wrote last on November 8th I guess. I can't believe its been as long as it has. Time still feels like it's not passing because I am waiting. The baby definitely dropped atleast a week or a week and a half ago. (That also got my hopes up that he was coming soon, even though everywhere you look people say that can happen weeks and weeks before birth.) I have more room to breathe but it doesn't necessarily feel like it. My ribs are sore but its a result of him being in the best position to exit my body so that is something to be very pleased with. Just recently my hips have been sore a lot. I have forgotten what it's like to lay on my stomach, or I think I would miss it. Daily I remember that I bought an exercise ball and I find time to bounce on it, hoping it encourages Mr. Bue to consider exiting. I've been sewing anything and everything, quite productive. My house was too clean to feel like nesting but now the upstairs is an explosion of fabric and scissors. I'm more motivated to sew than I can ever remember being. Mr. Bue is somewhere around 7 lbs. (Sounds healthy and ripe does it not? Haha..)

So, excitement has never been so hard. And I may have said this but I think I am so eager because in some way, it's still unbelievable that this is really happening. One day, not so far, I will have a little human in my arms and a memory of pregnancy. I will be making mistakes in parenting and learning new skills. Part of me wants labor to happen because until it does, I can't imagine the little bundle that makes every little struggle thus far worth it. Part of me still, and surely will keep looking at Aaron every so often and thinking "this is real? we've really had a part in creating life together?" ..... Man. End of rambling for now.

Time can fly.

I can't believe I haven't written in so long. So much has been happening and changing. At the same time, until I meet my little man, I can't say anything too exciting has occurred, (atleast in comparison).

I'm writing all of these posts into a paper journal so I can keep it and have it for our little guy. Someone else was talking recently about having a journal for each of their 5 kids from the moment they knew they existed and I loved that idea. That's essentially why I started this but don't plan on sending him to check out my blog in order to read about my thoughts. Haha.

Anyway, things are great. Great because I can't think of a reason to really complain about anything legitimate. Life is on it's way, created by myself and my best friend in the whole world. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around it all because in so many ways it still doesn't feel real. I'm sure at this point that as much as my belly has grown to the size of a large watermelon and there's lots of movement in there, belonging to our sweet first child, and my ribs are as sore as they could ever be harboring his little active feet - the only thing that will make all of this feel like it's ACTUALLY happening, is meeting him. I'm sure the labor will help too. As we get closer and closer, (anywhere from 1 and 1/2 to 5 weeks now), my imagination runs a little wild with how our birth story will go. Fear creeps in. Unforseen circumstances and decisions seem as much as possibility as ever. Our birthing class was a lot about just preparing us to adjust to anything and I am really thankful but the curiosity at times overwhelms me. I just want to know how it's going to go. I am not a fan of surprises at all. I don't like knowing that a surprise is coming, I'd rather be caught off guard than walk into something aware that it could play out any way at all. Could this be a control issue? ........ I'm now a size that I am so ready to be done with and the thought of growing for another month possibly is a little bit of a bummer. I do feel cute, as cute as a pregnant person can be. That doesn't mean I don't feel HUGE. Aaron and I both miss my mobility as a non-pregnant woman. He has been amazing though for sure, affirming me and telling me how proud he is of the work I'm doing and carrying our boy. It's so funny that it makes such a difference to hear those things. I will miss some of the special treatment of being a big pregnant momma. I will miss doing minimal heavy lifting. I will miss all of the big smiles from strangers, merely because of my belly. I'll fade into the background again at the grocery store, and that's bittersweet.. haha. I will miss unlimited night time massages from Aaron just because I want them. And of course, I will miss in some way, it just being us two together in our little family.

All of that being said! I can't wait to list all of the things that I love about our new family. I can't wait to take pictures and go to nature centers and make big deals about first teeth and first giggles and first steps. I can't wait to know what it feels like to touch and see the little human that we have created and are helping shape for his own independent life experiences. I can't wait to watch him come to know the Lord and fall in love with his Creator.

We're still hosting a small group with atleast 7 or 8 people almost every week. We've been going through 1 Peter and this is probably the most I've ever enjoyed a scripture study. I think it's just because I've grown and care more than I've ever cared. I look forward to it each week and I can't say I've ever done that before. I'm super thankful for Aaron's education and passion about studying scripture and history. It's clearly a large part of understanding in a new way and feeling like there's so much life to the words that we're reading. I've always struggled with reading scripture, much less having a desire to really do it regularly on my own.