Hello to my (very) little blogging world.
I have been considering what it would take to blog much more frequently as a hobby and potential job. I love to write and always hope that my inability to filter well would result in encouraging some folks on occasion and it excites me to think that I might be able to do that online amongst all kinds of folks that I may not ever meet. The coolest thing about blogging is the number of people that can be reached in their homes around the globe, in their most intimate and vulnerable states.

Anyway, here's whats happening, seems like a great place to start!

In the fall last year we were living in Asheville, NC just bobbing around looking for our next move. We literally felt like it was time to "move" and probably leave our home of the last 8 years. What started as a dreamy little conversation about moving to Aaron's home town and opening a pancake house with some friends, turned real within a few weeks of our friends pestering us and us praying. In a month, we gave our notices, packed our things, and moved into an apartment above the "would-be" pancake house/whatever. We did move in with our friends, another little family of 3. Visions evolved and we decided to work towards a coffee shop with a strong community focus. ... We were open to the vision changing over and over again as we planted some roots and tried to make some plans. The vision hasn't stopped changing but over and over, every day we are so encouraged that we are in the right place.

Skip ahead a couple months, our friends are moving out of the apartment and we will be opening a coffee shop/salon on our own. Just so you know, a month or two of living with friends, you learn a LOT about each other. I also think that with a little insight, you get a little preview of what it'd be like to work together. Personality differences seem like the biggest reason we don't think working together was going to be best for all of us. As well as major differences in our expectations and little differences in our visions for the space. You probably don't have to use much effort to imagine how many conversations it took to get us here. How many miscommunications and awkward moments. But also, so much vulnerability and honesty. So here we go, Aaron and myself and our little babes being towed along with us on this wild adventure.  We have been so encouraged at how incredibly Christ centered this has all been as we all have committed full-heartedly to loving the Lord and each other well while we figured out our next steps. Aaron and I have grown together so much in this move and can't wait to see what we can accomplish together.

So if I were really doing this blogging thing, I'd have some incredible before photos. It's a wild mess down there. The landlord is a friend of the family, also a great artist with pretty eccentric tastes. In the "coffee shop" there are many murals and creative installments. The apartment where we are living in is such a cool space. So many fun homemade details, and so many things that we can't wait to transform into our own styles if we get to stick around.

Looking forward to journaling more as we continue into this new season.

 

Happy Sunday from Richmond, VA. The weather has been cold but sunny, yesterday it snowed all day and though none stuck around, it was a lot of fun to be out in fluffy, thick falling snow.

We are visiting friends we haven't seen in too long. It's been so good to just have a change of scenery, a real weekend off and away from our routine, and good conversations about all of our hopes for the next year and goals we are all working towards. On top of all of that, there was some epic karaoke last night, complete with lots of new faces, flaming Dr. Peppers, and a real microphone - all in our friend's living room.

Everyday I feel a mile closer to meeting our baby girl. Everyday I feel like I'm remembering new things I had forgotten about newborns and how much we loved experiencing the millions of new things that come with them. Similar to pregnancy, though not even close to the same degree I'm sure, it'll be so incredible getting to see the differences so up close between our two babes.

Meet Gloria Wild.

She has quite the story for entering this world. At this point, no matter how different they may be, I am convinced there isn't a story that is any less miraculous. I will say it took me quite a few hours, lots of replays, talks with friends and nurses to really know how to feel about this particular story.

 

Tuesday evening went late. We had friends over for a small group that meets here regularly and Aaron went to bed early - I didn't realize it but he was feeling terrible with aches of every kind and a fever. When everyone left I came to bed to find him super pitiful and very warm. Three or so trips later I had arranged a humidifier, brought water and a popsicle, and crawled into bed. Maybe 5 minutes later I had dozed off but woke to the universal body language of a subtle but sure trickle of water leaving me feeling confused and wet. I told Aaron but really couldn't believe it might be what I thought it was until the next small gush when I stood up and found myself frozen in a quick forming puddle. (Last pregnancy my water stayed in tact till Woodrow was crowning. What a gift I now know that was.) Aaron shoots out of bed and helps clean me up, gets all the way dressed, then starts packing bags and cleaning house, while calling our good friend Kaki who is here within minutes, to be with Woodrow, all out of excited-crazed-nervousness. I took my phone and sat on the toilet, a little shocked but putting together the contractions I now realized I'd been having for the last couple hours.

 

Contractions were about ten minutes apart but within 30 minutes they were 5 minutes apart, then 3 so I started to get nervous in a typical "lets not get alarmed" - apparently, me way. The midwife changed her suggestion to head towards the hospital from 4am to 1. We checked into the hospital and were taken to our birthing room, things felt like they were slowing down instead of picking up. Until about 4am it felt like we were sitting around talking about vacations, food, nursing, and comparing labor stories. Some time after 4 contractions were getting stronger but I was so ready to wait all day for it to be consistent that I started asking questions about what could help speed things up. In the next hour we stayed busy between contractions, breast pumping, and a home enema kit. The plan had been to get in the birthing tub but I was so sure it'd slow labor down that I didn't consider it. It must have been 5:15 or 5:20 when we started filling the tub with water "just incase" the midwife gave me the go-ahead to get in. She came in and checked my progress, 8cm. "Boo..." I thought, as I crawled off the hospital bed and began a big contraction. That contraction ended with an urge to push. I tried to say it but I don't know who heard me. I think at that point every contraction was seamlessly tied to the last as I was helped into the foot of water and I tried to take myself to that "happy place". There was no time. Im told it wasn't more than 10 minutes before it was over. I barely remember as it felt like an eternity inside of 5 minutes.

 

Once I was in the tub, everyone was either touching me, spraying my back with water, or pulling out needed arrival things. Aaron was trying to stay out of the way as the pace was picking up but he says he saw Gloria's face exit my body and no one else was watching. She came out in one FAST push so he managed to squeak something to alert the midwife who thankfully was within reach. If the tub had been full, she would have been born underwater, still not breathing and they would have grabbed her, passed her to me through my legs and it would have been done. Instead, the tub was still maybe just over a foot full and I heard someone exclaim, "Don't let her go under!". That's the last thing I remember before I was told to stand up and they finagled her around me and handed her to me.

 

Like I said, it took me hours to catch up with what happened. Transition and everything after it was recorded as happening in under 20 minutes.

 

Aaron's version is really short and pleasant. I really like it.

 

Woodrow gets really still when he gets close to her. He always has a huge smile on his face around her. He gently pokes her a lot. It's like he's taking notes. Seeing their relationship begin has been incredible. From the first day when he came to meet her we asked him where his little sister was and he pointed to her. He only has about 15 words currently and he has about 6 or 7 signs so everyday we are shocked at the levels of conversation he is understanding well. His age is so much fun. 15 months.

 

I'm blown away with how different it is to meet a second child. It makes me even more grateful than I thought I could be. I am all of a sudden a little nervous about being at home without Aaron to give me an extra hour to sleep every morning. I've been waking up to smoothies and waffles. Every day has felt like my birthday. Sleepless nights can feel so productive that I don't notice or care (except for that first hour of the day). I'm soaking this up.

 

Anyway, here she is, we couldn't be more smitten. She was 6.11 when she was born and 18 inches. She's two pounds less than Woodrow. Imagine that! She sleeps a lot more than he did. I have to set alarms to make sure she's getting fed or she'd sleep right through. She is perfect.

4 weeks, plus some days (6) left!

Time is flying! I still feel like I am going to burst before the day is here when we're meeting our newest family member. I think having had Woodrow has made this pregnancy feel a million times more real and exciting. I was still in some form of denial when we were waiting to meet him. .... I love anticipating her but am so ready to see and hold her.

She doesn't have a name. That feels a little tragic, names have been so hard to narrow down. We weren't sure about Woodrow's name till the day he came but it feels  really odd this time to not even feel close to having a name and her arrival being around the corner.

Pregnancy has been a blur. A happy, heavy blur. We've stayed so busy. Haven't had time to do a lot of the things I did with Woodrow. I have a million things I've wanted to make for this little girl and I haven't done a thing because every free moment is spent soaking up alone time with Aaron or sleeping these days. No overflow of cute, handmade clothes and nursery decorations. No time. ....... Granted, I am not organized. But nesting was a fun part of the last pregnancy and this time I haven't made time for it. She's coming whether our home is decked out in cute bunting and new handmade mobiles or not.

I'm a little nervous about isolation once she comes. I'm SO excited about not working. I am done at the end of the month and can't be happier to be through with it for a while. Since Woodrow was born, I haven't given myself a chance to be undivided. Work responsibilities have hovered over my head almost every single day. I don't know why, because I don't loathe my job at all, but it has been hard to be back at knowing I would always prefer to be with our little man. ...... Anyway, I'm almost there. Giving myself atleast 2, maybe 3 months of time just with our family. Learning to care for two babies and my husband. Learning what it will take to get showers, straighten the house, and make meals.

I am so excited to be passing around a new, squishy little human to our friends and family that come to visit. One of my favorite memories was when Woodrow was new, sitting with anyone that would visit us - how proud I was, talking about life, labor, lack of sleep, new developments while he snoozed in our arms. It won't be near as quiet with a 15 month running around exploring and getting into things, and I guess that makes me a little sad but I hope to get a lot better at asking for help as we grow this next year.

A lot is upon us.

We'll be going to Florida in May for an orientation with a mission organization to explore opportunities in the Middle East. I can't wait for that, I know we'll learn a lot regardless of decisions that are made. I'm excited to have the mandatory time with Aaron, traveling together and learning as a unit. I'm not even sure if we'll be bringing the new baby yet, but Woodrow won't be coming so that will be an adventure either way.

Whatever we decide about moving forward to the Middle East, we will be making a move likely out of Asheville, mostly because we are tired of renting and not feeling settled. So obviously the answer is picking a new city and buying a house, right? :) .......... really though, lots of prayer is happening surrounding these things. Richmond, VA is high on our "likely-to-move" list.

Oh man! February can't end fast enough. March though, especially if our baby girl comes quick, March should take its time... linger a bit. April, my parents are visiting for the first time this year. They'll be around for a few weeks. ... So yeah, things are happening.

Well, that seems like all of it. I'll keep you posted!

It's been a while.

Being a mom means that even when I am out in the morning and have the diaper bag well stocked, extra food on hand, plenty of gas in the tank - if the babe is aching or a nap, I go home and give it to him. Things can get done later.

Putting him into his crib and knowing he's taken care of makes the inconvenience so much more than worth it. Also, now I have mandatory "me time".

I'm 27 weeks pregnant with a sweet baby girl. I just started feeling the discomfort of the size I am and it feels really early to be so annoyed with it. ... I haven't been praying for this little one near as much as I did with Woodrow. Adjusting to being a parent, even after a year has been a struggle as far as spiritual discipline. Mornings were about solitude and now they belong entirely to Woodrow. I try to squeeze every minute out of evenings and I don't go to bed early enough to wake up early. I'm probably three times as eager to meet her though. Aaron and I constantly look at eachother and try to figure out how we became a family of four. It feels like we went from not having one, to having always having had him and I imagine once we meet this next one, it will be the same. In many ways, Aaron seems much more present than I am. If I ever will be again, it may not be until I'm not pregnant anymore. So I find myself needing a lot of patience from myself and other people. I'm a little absent minded most of the time and have to write anything I need to remember down. Also, if Woodrow is with me I rarely feel like I can have a real conversation. This is something that  feels like a parenting cliché and I cannot accept it.

Speaking of, Woodrow just turned a year old. He has had 6 teeth and seems to be settled there for a bit. He's walking like a little duck, still losing balance but not losing heart. He's on the move all the time. I think he's been getting bored in the house lately which makes me worry about winter and being inside. He's almost always content when we are anywhere but home. He is calm and intrigued with everything. He's very independent. People swoon over his big, blue eyes. I don't think I'll ever get tired of hearing strangers remark about how happy he is. When he has a fussy day I am starting to panic less that he'll never go back to the easy baby he has been.

Lately things have been so good. "Good" seems to continually take on new meaning in my life. I love that about parenting and being a wife. Those things anyway are what brought me here. I do wish I'd found the type of peace and satisfaction that I have these days, while I was single. I yearned so much to be content and love myself well. I guess in a lot of ways I still don't do that, but being tied to a man and then having a child depend on you pulls you outside of yourself in a way that I will always just understand as being necessary for me. I'm super self-absorbed. Any chance I have to make things about myself, I am good at it. So imagine the time and resources I had while single. I needed more on my plate. Unfortunately, and fortunately, I am good at freeing myself from responsibilities. My plate doesn't get too full because when it does, I have a serious "simplify" routine that keeps me from getting, (or staying), overwhelmed. It's goes like this. I tell myself - "I don't have to do that if I don't want to." or "This will get done tomorrow, or next month." ....... So home is happy. I feel like a strong, healthy team with Aaron. When I don't it really is because I am tired or we have been busy and I want some down time with him.

We traveled more than we can really afford in the last month and it's been really good. We picked places we'd not been in a while, people we'd been aching to see and we just did it. No budget or planning... we just set the dates and got it done. It's funny how we got back and realize why most people don't take trips on a whim, especially with kids, and we found big miscalculations on our bank statements resulting in fees, then I have a moment where I think "this was very worth it." We'll deal with it, eat more beans and rice than usual.

Home has been wherever I am with Aaron and Woodrow. Good conversations with people we care about. Our community has been growing as we are on the road and I love that. We happen to be most like-minded with friends that don't live near us and it's hard going months or more sometimes without getting time together. Living in Ashevillle is insanely beautiful. We have great friends here too, people that I don't like going a few days without talking to or seeing... but no one in town is where we are and its lonely sometimes. A friend told me this week that she has a hard time with not ever really relating to what I go through daily being a mom mostly. Without intentional time spent together, I feel that way about almost everyone I live near. We're all so different and separate. I don't like city-living because everyone is so isolated, as much as they want to be and more. Facebook is what people use to keep up with each other, even living in the same town - and I haven't had one for going on two years. (I'm just saying how technically detached I am from life as most everyone else knows it.) If anyone wants to know me at all at this point, they have to spend time with me. And I have to ask questions. Your facebook friends know much more about you and your daily routine than I will without spending a few days with you.

Anyway, I didn't have an agenda when starting this post.
Feel caught up a little bit?

 

My World.

I'm giving up reading blogs for lent, but that doesn't count my own journaling.  Anyway, this isn't going to be lengthy. Just a few photos. I think he was 6 weeks old. I'm thinking we're going to try to get an "official" picture of Woodrow every 3 months. You can see the changes better than every month. Also, I don't know when I'll want to stop so it will save room when I make a book of his pictures when he goes to college. Haha. Just kidding.

I love lent!
I love that every year it means more to me. And I love that my husband loves the Lord and encourages me by walking with me through new scripture every year. Someday I will actually follow along every week to the extent I'd like to. Good gracious, this season is rich!

All that's happening these days is fighting to keep track of time. It's flying by. I am starting to enjoy work again now that I don't feel like my world is being dropped when Woodrow isn't in my arms. And I'm taking applications for babysitters. The kind that realize its a complete privelidge to watch my baby and won't take money. Haha. Also, babysitters that understand the importance of Aaron and I spending some quiet moments away from sweet Woodrow. (Necessary when having set a goal to put our marriage first.)

So here you go:
by Richard Israel.

My loves. My world.

Oh. My. Goodness. My heart is full.

Sailor Jude and her sweet mother Sheena.

Nothing sweeter.

This is a favorite of ours.

Aaron asked for a family photo by the tree. I love that we are almost guaranteed to look awkward. Really, I like that about us.

He's not this small anymore! More like twice this size.

2 and a half months, + a week = 11 weeks

Woodrow is 14 and a half pounds. He's in the 90'th percentile. Bad at math? That means, 10 percent of babies are as big as him at his age! We have a little monster.

Our family went to Charlotte for a weekend, I went with Woodrow and Kaki to Atlanta for a weekend. Cloth diapers are fully under-way and it is so great. It's so much easier than I thought it would be, probably because so many people give you a look when you are pregnant and say that's what you're going to try. I even used them traveling on my own and had to wash a handfull in the tub in order to have enough for the last day of our trip. It was surprisingly easy, fulfilling, and maybe a little repulsive to one of our hosts... but we did it!

So many things are happening that bring me joy that I think, "next baby we have I may not have the time to notice these things so take note of it now".



I was thinking about all of the random things I wish I had been writing down as the last 11 weeks have gone by and I figured I'd make a couple lists just to get it out. More so than with pregnancy, things change day to day and week to week and I wish I was more in the habit of writing it all down. 

Favorite things:

1. Having a baby in our home -Hooray babies! I look at all babies with a new appreciation. I never had any lasting thoughts or interest in all the little ones before. Now everything about them and parenting has color in a way that I feel like it only can being on this side of things. Our home doesn't ever feel empty with Woodrow here. It feels bursting with beginnings and life, especially when he's sleeping and I can stop and appreciate it all.
2. Thinking about more babies - It blows my mind to think about how much love I could have for more children now that we have Woodrow. The few days after labor, I already wanted to go through it again, just not pregnancy. I think maybe 4 or 5 weeks later I started to miss pregnancy. Everything is richer with him here and if we'd had things our way, we wouldn't have had Woodrow right now, our two year mark is this coming July... God's sovereignty has amazed us through all of this. Sure, ask me again after the next one, but right now I wouldn't mind having 5 or 6. (Aaron would probably look terrified hearing these numbers.)
3. Woodrow's smile -Melts my heart.
4. The first hour of each day - Woodrow is most alert and usually can't stop smiling or coo'ing about who knows what. He's totally a morning person so far.
5. Hearing from Aaron how proud he is of me - Best thing ever. It beats all of the other affirmations I could hear. Not all the time, but sometimes, it is a lot of work taking care of a babe and it doesn't require notice to feel great, but to have someone hug you and tell you how hard they see you working, or how much of yourself you give - it beats all.
6. Woodrow's sleepy gurgles, squeaks, and whimpers - They have lessened since he was born, but boy did those sweet noises surprise me. Not only had I never heard a noisy new born sleep before, but who ever knew it could sound so sweet.
7. The moments when Aaron and I are alone are sweeter than ever before - Maybe because they feel like a sort of calm in the middle of a tired, not so wild storm, but they are so peaceful.
8. Woodrow Bright Buchanan - the name. It's so good. And suits him so well. Most common said word so far about him when he's awake "he's so bright!" or "he's so bright eyed!" Haha, maybe those are cliche baby compliments but it works.
9. Scheduled feeding/sleeping times - Also known as "babywise". I did a little researching and most resources spoke negatively of the Babywise method. I have only read a little of the book and asked a lot of questions but the more I have learned and played around with, the easier EVERYthing is for us. Woodrow has become predictable and consistant, I can read his cues and he rarely cries anymore without me knowing pretty much exactly why. In the beginning, these things seemed so confusing to me because it felt a little chaotic making it up as I went along... but now I do feel super settled and like I understand my baby. Anyway, this is really exciting to me.
10. Breastfeeding! - Totally hurt at first. Actually, for me, it kinda hurt a bit at the beginning of every feeding for the first 7 weeks I think. But I'd just bear down and get over those first few seconds. I was also engorged like crazy on one side. That was also painful sometimes and I didn't know that it could happen. It was a journey but its so great. Woodrow had a gunky eye at like 3 weeks and I read to put breastmilk in it and it cleared it up in a few hours. Weird and AMAZING. Also, someone told me the same works to help loosen snot when they are congested. We will see!
11. Moments with friends sharing life - There aren't near as many girl-sit-downs this early in the game but I am so refreshed by them. I love sharing my wealth of experiences and struggles and going through them with other people with similar or super different things going on. This is kinda big and vague but its friendship, its more meaningful than it ever has been.

Hardest things:

1. Lack of sleep - People try to warn you but warnings can't prepare you for weeks without being able to really catch up. When it's not getting to me, it seems to always be getting to Aaron. In all the time I've known him, I've never known him this way... it's growing and hard at times. We actually left town for a few days and Aaron still didn't feel caught up. We're very different. Now, all I need is 6 hours to feel like a new person.
2. How fast he grows - People talk about that all the time too. I have been shocked at how big he is since he was 6 weeks old. I'm serious, 90th percentile folks! Big, sweet boy.
3. The first time I got sick being a new mom - Wow, I really felt like I had it under control. All I had was a cold but I am such a fan of totally pampering myself when I don't feel good and that couldn't happen. It felt like a gamble to see if he'd sleep long enough for me to get anything done, much less, lay down. It only lasted 3 days but it took the rug out from under me. I'm already confident though, after that first one, the next time will be so much easier. It was just such a shock.
4. The first time he got sick - 2 days ago he started coughing and I knew something was up. A friend said it was likely just some drainage and propping him up, keeping our home humid would help. The first night, he woke up with a horrible sounding cough, he'd choke then scream with frustration. It broke my heart and scared me half to death. I woke Aaron up but wasn't making much sense as I was crying and talking about urgent care and choking. Apparently it's a common virus but since he's so little, we just have to let it run its course and keep an eye on his temperature. It's the saddest thing to see someone so tiny gurgle, snore, and cough so much.
5. Being responsible with my down time - All I want to do is hang out with people, look at Woodrow, sleep, or watch movies. I've started a couple crafts and cooked a bit, and I have been working a few hours a week since he's been born but none of it is immediately what I want to do though it does feel great to be productive. Don't ask me when the last time I read something on my own accord was.
6. I feel guilty, a lot. - I find myself apologizing a lot to people that are helping me. I don't ask for help well it turns out and I don't know how to take it well I'm afraid. Same goes for getting compliments, that's always been awkward. I hope these things change because I don't want it to be rooted in pride.

There were a lot more things on my mental list before I sat down, so I'll hopefully be adding things.

2 Months In

I've been experiencing so many new things and its flying by way too fast to make records. I really could use help. Woodrow is huge. He doesn't feel like an infant to me anymore. Even hanging out with older children, he seems so big to me. He is heavier and as large as a lot of our friends 6+ month olds. (He is 2 months and a week.)

His hands are big. His feet are big. His little body has leveled out to sweet, rolly, perfect proportions. Also, between sleep schedules changing and starting to make some sense, feeding all the time to feeding on schedule, loud baby noises, and alert eyes - new born'ness seems so far gone. Everyone thinks I'm crazy, and that's okay... maybe even preferred, but I already want another baby. I didn't feel that way immediately, but now I am confident that I would love it. I know it'd be hard but I am confident that it will be pretty difficult to adjust whenever it happened, so I'm thinking, the sooner the better while we're having constant humility lessons. Woodrow is amazing. Either people exaggerate about how hard babies can be, they are mistaken and it's just sleep deprivation that makes any task more difficult, or babies really can be super difficult and we are really, really fortunate. Woodrow seemed collicky a few nights maybe, that was stressful but mostly because I always start to stress about "what if this keeps happening?" "what if I never get sleep again?" .... so I suppose I am not easily stressed in the moment, I just start thinking ahead and it wears me out.

One thing that has been constantly on my mind since we had Woodrow is how fractured community really is. We were really impressed even with how our church community were dropping by with food and visiting in the last 2 months... it's been so great feeling supported that way. But it's hard for me to believe people would ever be overwhelmed, or burnt out with kids if they had friends and/or family really close. I mean stopping by all the time, walking to each other's houses. People helping out so much that you have to ask for time alone really. I am a big fan of alone time, but it's sad to me that people rarely have to protect alone time for any other reason than getting too busy with other things in their own schedule. I swear I am not somebody that wants people around all the time but I am confident that that's what true community should be. After having Woodrow, I also know what it's like to want people to step out of my home and give me time with my new family member and Aaron but it is sad to me that people get married, and sometimes before kids even come, they are hard to get ahold of... but then kids happen, and life gets busier. It shouldn't be hard to see people you love. We shouldn't all be so spread out and consumed with our own goings on. I guess I feel this way a lot because making time to go out and see people with a new baby is hard.. and I'm sure I will get the hang of it better... as a matter of fact, last weekend we went to Charlotte for the weekend (2ish hour trip out of town), and this weekend, Woodrow and I are in Atlanta (3+ hours) seeing friends. But without friends willing to just come and sit with me between naps, friends wanting to go to lunch, friends just showing up - it would be super hard to be involved in other people's lives and really easy to just soak up time in my home away from everyone. YES, there's good time for down time and nesting, but I don't think we should ever be far removed from friendship, encouragement, and accountability.

Wow, rambles.

That wasn't near as coherent as I'd like it to be but I am a little distracted and feeling guilty cause I am at a friend's house and trying to put down a few of these thoughts while they're fresh. (By the way, living in a house with 5 other women for a couple days feels strangely like it could work long term. ... I desire physical closeness and intimacy so much right now.) So much we've been experiencing is in the past and I can't believe how far away some of it feels. It brings me a lot of peace to recount the incredible things I'm going through, it brings me joy to look back at my writings and share them with people, and it encourages me when I start to feel crazy.

Anyway, this was a strange little post. It's super evident reading back over it that I am exhausted but most importantly, super in love. I love feeling like we're growing. 

Birth

2:20AM I looked at the clock and was super frustrated to be up and going to the bathroom yet again in the 2 hours I'd been trying to sleep. Aaron woke up when I was crawling back in bed and asked if I was okay. I told him it must be gas that was upsetting my stomach because it felt awful and wouldn't go away... within the hour I realized it was contractions. It's still funny to me that I thought it was gas, partly due to refried beans we'd eaten for supper and Aaron having an upset stomach. Really, knowing they were contractions made it better because I wasn't so annoyed with having to visit the bathroom constantly incase of movement. (Sorry, if that's too much information.) We timed them and they were 10-15ish minutes apart. (Hospital time - Active Labor is about 4 minutes apart.)

So once we established I was having contractions, within the hour, Aaron decided he'd try to sleep while I hung out in our living room, trying to distract myself. It didn't occur to me that this was it, that labor was officially starting. Partly because of a Dr. appointment the previous day and no progress with dialation and also because of our birthing classes, (that we loved!), informing us that first time moms often think their labor is further along than it really is and they get worked up before it's time - I was sure that these contractions were just some kind of early labor. We were told in the case of early labor, drink lots of water, and lay down... I watched a couple episodes of 'Friday Night Lights' on Netflix and tried every position I could think of to relieve the pressure from the contractions. By 6AM, contractions were 7-10 minutes apart. I wanted some encouragement from my midwife, so I called her and I'm pretty sure I convinced her that I was definitely not in labor, just curious if she thought I could take a bath without slowing progress. The funny thing is that I was definitely in labor but I didn't want to blow it out of proportion so I played it down all morning. I thought I was saving all alarm till I "really" needed it. Aaron woke up around 6:30AM I think and I was getting into the bath tub. Contractions were 5-8 minutes apart and strong. They were nothing like I thought they'd be, but I was convinced for some reason that this was just the beginnings of labor, if anything. I tried to breath them out, this may seem silly but it was awkward. And I've found through all of this, that when I am struggling with anything, I tend to hold my breath instead of breath deeply. Aaron was supposed to work at 8AM and when it came around, he was pretty sure he wanted to call into work, but I thought, if this isn't "it", he needed to get more hours because he'd be taking off work when the baby came anyway. So Aaron went to work around 9AM.

He asked me to time and write down how far apart my contractions were. Though I was plenty excited about possibly meeting my babe soon, being tired from getting no sleep the evening previous - I was falling asleep between contractions, that were getting steadily closer. I totally didn't see it. I was texting a few people -telling them to pray for me, texting Aaron -telling him contractions weren't getting closer that I could tell... I was crazy. After everything, we read back all of our text messages to each other and it was hilarious. I kept saying "things are fine here, but maybe you should come home when you get to a good stopping point", or "the contractions don't seem closer but I miss you"... hahah! And everything in between. ... I got a call from a friend from church. She was a week further along than me, her due date was the 2 days earlier. Before I even knew why she called I had to tell her I'd call her back after my contraction that was coming on. I think I called her back and had to hang up again so she texted me asking if she should come over. I checked with Aaron to see if he'd mind her coming by and he said no. She is a doula by the way, totally heaven-sent. She came over some time around 11am. She found me in some cool bath water, aching through contractions. She watched a couple and timed them, I was between 2 and 5 minutes apart. They were pretty consistant but every once in a while I'd have a small one that felt like it was tailing the last. They were so crazy. Nothing anyone had ever told me could prepare me for what they were like. People don't really go into too much detail it seems. ANYWAY, my friend Brianna said "wow" and told me we were calling Aaron to come home and take me to the hospital, and our midwife to tell her we were going. Aaron was clocking out of work when she called so he got home right away, it was about noon. They dressed me, helped me into the car with our bags. I climbed in the middle seat of our toyota and hunched over the bench seat. The next 5-7 minutes were like something out of a movie. I'm moaning and grunting on all fours in the back seat while Aaron is driving like a maniac. He had the caution lights on, layed on the horn at a taxi he claimed was trying to cut him off, and may have ran through a red light. I don't remember seeing much outside of the car, but I remember thinking we were going to get pulled over and Aaron was going to sass a cop and we would never get to the hospital.

We got there, Aaron parked at the correct entrance and ran inside, got a wheelchair. Two nurses came out and asked to help. Some odd men were sitting in a huge truck near by and I felt so exposed. The door to the car was open, Aaron and two women and the men in the truck were watching me try to be composed through a contraction in the car. As soon as it stopped, I climbed out and was wheeled in. I advise telling the nurses to hurry if they don't mind cause I didn't have the nerve and they took me on a couple laps around the hospital trying to distract me with conversation about the weather. Again, having contractions in a chair, being wheeled past anyone hanging out in the hallways makes one feel exposed. There's something intimate about contracting and making the noises you make. Haha.

I think it was about 12:30 when I was wheeled into a special area for checking my progress. The nurse dropped me off in a large closet sized space with a curtain and asked me to get undressed and climb onto the table. I think Aaron was helping me because I barely remember getting up there. I do remember ripping off my clothes and putting on a nightgown... that was nice. Before she had time to check anything else, she checked to see how dialated I was. 9 CENTIMETERS. No big deal aye? Things picked up pace all of a sudden. The nurse immediately started wheeling my table out with me on it and told the people at a desk close by to get my midwife because "this is happening". Hahah.. I don't think I understood how close I was, but I was really thankful that we were moving finally.

We were brought into the birthing suite we'd requested, WATER WORLD. I hadn't really felt strongly about it but Aaron had brought it up a few times that I may like birthing in water so we signed up to get a room with a tub. I liked the rooms without tubs better because they still had bathrooms with small bath tubs but they were big, roomy, with large windows overlooking the mountains. Now that I've done it, you don't spend any time looking out windows when you're in labor. Or any time caring about the size of your room. I didn't even notice but Aaron was on top of things once we got in there. He turned down the overhead lights and was helping me with signing papers, and answering nurses questions. Someone even stepped in at some point and asked him if we minded if a student attended our birth. Of course he said no as long as it didn't get too crazy. I missed that, but it turned out that the student was also a massage therapist and she had her hands on me almost the whole time, which was very nice. :) My friend Brianna was there, I'd asked her to come if she didn't mind... what an incredible woman... she had two little spray bottles with essential lavender and orange oils that you wouldn't believe the difference they made. She also had emergen-C packets and a sweet calm presence that Aaron and I were both so grateful for. So, I got into the water, kneeling on towels and perched in the corner of the huge tub, like I was in a boxing ring. At all times, people were rubbing my shoulders, serving me water with straws, wiping my brow, and everyone was taking turns squeezing my hips during contractions. Everyone was surrounding me like a well-oiled machine. I kept getting encouragement about how I was doing and little tips on how to conserve my energy. All I could think about was "you guys must say this to everyone" and "a c-section doesn't sound so bad after all"... I was thinking really lame things but I kept it all in. I know now looking back that I was scared, I still thought that I had possibly hours and hours left to go... and I had no experience to gauge how far along I was. So.... I think the details were, I was in the tub and laboring by 1pm and little Woodrow Bright Buchanan was born at 2:19pm. I'm not sure, but I think that's fast folks. I was sure after everyone's stories I'd heard I would be a long laborer.

Contractions are heavy. They started out so irritating and mild and at some point, it took all my focus just to relax my shoulders and legs during them. I would tense up involuntarily. It's the most intense thing I've ever experienced for sure, but people ask if it was the most painful and it doesn't compare to any pain I've ever experienced.

I think I started actually pushing around 1:45 or 2pm. It wasn't long but again, once I started I had no idea how long it'd last and I was a little terrified it'd be going on for hours also. I was really scared too of tearing. I had heard everyone's thoughts and experiences on it but never asked what it was actually like. I thought there'd be a scary pop and the baby would bust out. I thought I'd scream or something. Anyway, this may be too much but it's all just so powerful and you're so stimulated that one thing doesn't really stick out from another. .... My midwife told me at some point to feel his head and all the hair. That was wild, cause if she hadn't told me, I wouldn't have known he was that close to coming. STILL, I thought it could take forever. I really wasn't giving myself a break. Within minutes, his head was out and the midwife was telling Aaron that he'd be grabbing him, her hands would stay on the baby as well, and they'd tuck him under my legs without lifting him out of the water and I would receive him and bring him to my skin out of the water. I have a picture but it may be too much to share... Brianna somehow caught this moment when we're staring at our little one. I felt nothing like I imagined I'd feel. No tv moment for me. Time did stop. He was staring at me, his eyes were huge... there was no sound, no crying. I may have been shaking. I was staring at him thinking "hello little human", "this doesn't look like either of us", "oh my gosh a baby", "he's so sticky", "I'm so glad it's over!", and "oh my gosh, it's a baby!". It was amazing. You don't get those moments back. It was so sweet and in the weirdest way, unexpected. Some part of me didn't believe it was real. I guess I still don't.

Kaki said to me the other day, "it sort of feels like someone just dropped this baby off for you to take care of for a while". Well, someone sort of did. Haha. ... The only thing making it feel real is getting familiar with him. It's so strange to not know him better than anyone when he first came and to less and less forget how much I like him when I'm not looking at him. If that makes sense. For example, when I would sleep at the hospital, I would forget what he looked like, then when I'd see him again, it'd be new and perfect all over again.

Once he was born, I fed him almost immediately, time was still. Everything was so sweet. He didn't feel like mine but it was amazing. He was 8 and a half lbs. His hair, oh his hair! was dark, wavy, and greasy with vernix. The vernix was even really sweet to me. ... We stayed 2 days and 2 nights in the hospital. It was a lot like a vacation. We had lots of friends from church come visit. I loved that. We were so proud. We're still so proud. I rarely say "thankyou" when someone says how sweet or pretty he is. I forget it's a compliment. I think of it more as facts.

So... here he is. We love him. And we're learning what it's like to not sleep, to think through screaming, to wear baby throw up and pee as an accessory, and hopefully learning how to love unconditionally. So much is hard but obviously so much more is good. Actually, it's all good aside from the times we aren't thankful. It's so incredible to see God working through this new life in our home. I don't know how to be disciplined and have intentional alone time through this. I forget that instead of my decisions whether I should use a pacifier or feed him on demand, what will shape him is how I love his daddy and the way I pursue the Lord. .... It's all so incredible though. There are many ways that I feel cliche and unoriginal. I can't multitask better than everyone I've ever known like I thought I would. I can't get out of the house as quickly as I thought I would. Aaron and I keep finding new ways we're being humbled and it's so good! We know better than anyone else how much we need it believe it or not.

Hooray life!

Aaron just got home from a really long day of work and we're making grilled chicken, feta, and walnut salads for dinner. Yum. We're probably going to watch obscene amounts of Parks and Recreation on Netflix too. And stare at our baby. Good day.

Meet Woody Bright.

 When his eyes are really open, they are so so big.

10 days later, I gave birth to a completely perfect, sweet, soft, bundle of life and love named Woodrow Bright Buchanan. November 30, 2011. 2:19pm. 8lbs, 8oz. What an end to a pregnancy story, and beginning to a new season of change, adjustment, growth, and family. I'm not sure I've ever been so exhausted combined with a feeling that I could explode trying to articulate all of the feelings and thoughts I'm having and experiencing. Having this new baby boy makes me feel full in a way I've never felt. I can have no energy, and feel absent minded and useless, yet more needed and wanted than any human on earth. I feel strong and courageous while my body feels close to broken. I'm essentially on bed rest, though that doesn't really mean much because I am not good at following directions. I spend little time actually in bed. Also, being about 30 lb's lighter overnight leaves me feeling like I want to get a lot done with my new, more mobile self.

 I will have more to say soon. My labor and delivery was so incredible and I can't wait to write it all out, but right now we're soaking up the newness and sharing it with as many people as we can. Gosh, oh gosh it is so much fun having a little human in our home.

MANY more pictures to come.

Self Pitty

So I was saving the last post to add some pictures and really update fully but realized coming back to it just now, not only has a bit of time passed but I have had very new experiences in the last day, much less weeks since I wrote.

I will cut to the chase, to say that I woke up yesterday morning feeling sorry for myself. It's been easy to imagine ways I could complain, or ways others seem to have a hard time in pregnancy but overall, things have been so good and I don't think I've been editing myself in saying that. I don't do that well anyway. Even if there have been times where I started to feel huge or less attractive, or even fussy, I have had overwhelming support from more than a few people that have helped me feel appreciated and encouraged through the last 9 months. Yesterday morning I woke up in a funk though. It was mostly in the sleepy first minutes of the day when I was saying goodbye to Aaron as he left for work but he noticed before I did. I don't even remember what I said or how I said it but by the time I woke up and had some breakfast, I realized that out of eagerness and impatience to meet our baby Bue, frustration with still lugging around a large belly, and changes that are so soon to come that will undoubtedly change things I haven't even thought of - I had sent my husband off to work without showing him that I appreciated him. Not only that, but I didn't wake up thankful in any way. It was all about me, as much as it could be. I don't think I'm being hard on myself. I wrestled with it all day in different ways. I essentially had the thoughts that I shouldn't have to still be pregnant. I had decided long ago that once I got to 37 weeks, the baby should come and God would surely let him because I have had a great pregnancy and I really didn't want to wait any more. .... Does that sound crazy? I think I had totally decided he was coming early. He still definitely could, but I am faced with the truth that God has successfully timed EVERY moment I've had on this earth without need for my input. So if my child came tomorrow (or in 3-ish measly weeks), I now feel like the kid that threw the tantrum about not getting ice-cream on the way to the surprise ice-cream party.

All that to say, today I fell in love again. Haha. Maybe it was partly because communion is offered every Sunday at our church and I'm faced with the gift of grace whether I go looking for it or not. But I love those moments you see your sin for what it is, small or big, still serious. I don't feel beat up. I feel loved. I feel moved. I feel pursued and taken care of. I have had so much peace in my home and life for the last year. I've had nothing to complain about.  And I can't get over how good it feels, I don't ever want to stop loving it, when I remember that I'm not in control - Christ is... and I am better off because of it. Even if Him being in control just means that despite how I would wish things to go, they will go as they should and He will receive glory. I love it! I get so cheesy, I know. I kinda think genuine love is unpreventably cheesy with me.

I wrote last on November 8th I guess. I can't believe its been as long as it has. Time still feels like it's not passing because I am waiting. The baby definitely dropped atleast a week or a week and a half ago. (That also got my hopes up that he was coming soon, even though everywhere you look people say that can happen weeks and weeks before birth.) I have more room to breathe but it doesn't necessarily feel like it. My ribs are sore but its a result of him being in the best position to exit my body so that is something to be very pleased with. Just recently my hips have been sore a lot. I have forgotten what it's like to lay on my stomach, or I think I would miss it. Daily I remember that I bought an exercise ball and I find time to bounce on it, hoping it encourages Mr. Bue to consider exiting. I've been sewing anything and everything, quite productive. My house was too clean to feel like nesting but now the upstairs is an explosion of fabric and scissors. I'm more motivated to sew than I can ever remember being. Mr. Bue is somewhere around 7 lbs. (Sounds healthy and ripe does it not? Haha..)

So, excitement has never been so hard. And I may have said this but I think I am so eager because in some way, it's still unbelievable that this is really happening. One day, not so far, I will have a little human in my arms and a memory of pregnancy. I will be making mistakes in parenting and learning new skills. Part of me wants labor to happen because until it does, I can't imagine the little bundle that makes every little struggle thus far worth it. Part of me still, and surely will keep looking at Aaron every so often and thinking "this is real? we've really had a part in creating life together?" ..... Man. End of rambling for now.

Time can fly.

I can't believe I haven't written in so long. So much has been happening and changing. At the same time, until I meet my little man, I can't say anything too exciting has occurred, (atleast in comparison).

I'm writing all of these posts into a paper journal so I can keep it and have it for our little guy. Someone else was talking recently about having a journal for each of their 5 kids from the moment they knew they existed and I loved that idea. That's essentially why I started this but don't plan on sending him to check out my blog in order to read about my thoughts. Haha.

Anyway, things are great. Great because I can't think of a reason to really complain about anything legitimate. Life is on it's way, created by myself and my best friend in the whole world. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around it all because in so many ways it still doesn't feel real. I'm sure at this point that as much as my belly has grown to the size of a large watermelon and there's lots of movement in there, belonging to our sweet first child, and my ribs are as sore as they could ever be harboring his little active feet - the only thing that will make all of this feel like it's ACTUALLY happening, is meeting him. I'm sure the labor will help too. As we get closer and closer, (anywhere from 1 and 1/2 to 5 weeks now), my imagination runs a little wild with how our birth story will go. Fear creeps in. Unforseen circumstances and decisions seem as much as possibility as ever. Our birthing class was a lot about just preparing us to adjust to anything and I am really thankful but the curiosity at times overwhelms me. I just want to know how it's going to go. I am not a fan of surprises at all. I don't like knowing that a surprise is coming, I'd rather be caught off guard than walk into something aware that it could play out any way at all. Could this be a control issue? ........ I'm now a size that I am so ready to be done with and the thought of growing for another month possibly is a little bit of a bummer. I do feel cute, as cute as a pregnant person can be. That doesn't mean I don't feel HUGE. Aaron and I both miss my mobility as a non-pregnant woman. He has been amazing though for sure, affirming me and telling me how proud he is of the work I'm doing and carrying our boy. It's so funny that it makes such a difference to hear those things. I will miss some of the special treatment of being a big pregnant momma. I will miss doing minimal heavy lifting. I will miss all of the big smiles from strangers, merely because of my belly. I'll fade into the background again at the grocery store, and that's bittersweet.. haha. I will miss unlimited night time massages from Aaron just because I want them. And of course, I will miss in some way, it just being us two together in our little family.

All of that being said! I can't wait to list all of the things that I love about our new family. I can't wait to take pictures and go to nature centers and make big deals about first teeth and first giggles and first steps. I can't wait to know what it feels like to touch and see the little human that we have created and are helping shape for his own independent life experiences. I can't wait to watch him come to know the Lord and fall in love with his Creator.

We're still hosting a small group with atleast 7 or 8 people almost every week. We've been going through 1 Peter and this is probably the most I've ever enjoyed a scripture study. I think it's just because I've grown and care more than I've ever cared. I look forward to it each week and I can't say I've ever done that before. I'm super thankful for Aaron's education and passion about studying scripture and history. It's clearly a large part of understanding in a new way and feeling like there's so much life to the words that we're reading. I've always struggled with reading scripture, much less having a desire to really do it regularly on my own.

Good News!

I'm in love.
With a season of life.
With a season of the year.
With a husband that I'm earthly and spiritually bound to.
With a tea that's warm and spicy.
With a baby human that I've never met.
With a clean and serene downstairs of my home.
With the ability to breath life in and see old colorful mountains around me.

I'm also sleeping(ish). Bathroom breaks will gladly be replaced by baby-wakes once he's here. It does make all the difference to have a good pillow between my knees. But as I like to move while sleeping, each time I move means waking up enough to lift the sheets, roll my body with pillow to the other side, then drape sheets accordingly and fall back into sleep. I look forward to easy mobility more and more.

Last weekend we had 3 sets of visitors. It was so nice sharing our space and catching up and just being with people we love. It was short.

This week I realized how big I am! I must post a picture. I have had no clue. Looking down at my belly and not being able to see my upper legs, or even dressing and struggling to reach my toes to put tights on, or feeling the need to exclaim every time I squat to pick something up or bend over hadn't alerted me to the reality of my huge belly. It was Sunday afternoon and the pregnant women were out on the town in Asheville so every one that walked by was compared to my current size. A little shocked, I went home and studied myself in the mirror, now very aware of the fact that I am not as little as I thought I was. When did this happen? I've been noticing it grow but my thoughts were "there's no way I'm as big as she is... she's huge!"

Man oh man. Changes that happen faster than I can notice them are so strange.

I read a girl's thoughts on being a soccer mom today. She was really proud and a little shocked to find herself driving a mini-van, watching little boys in over-sized shirts run around often without a soccer ball and having so much fun. I hope that's me down the road.

I'm meeting some girls in the morning to start a discipleship group. I can't wait. I have been longing for more constant meeting and prayer with women and I have so many hopes of growth and challenge tied to these meetings.

Aaron and I are going to visit my mom's sister in Myrtle Beach, SC. I'm so excited. We're leaving tomorrow afternoon. Time with her is refreshing. She encourages us and shares herself in a really refreshing way. Too, its really nice feeling at home somewhere so familiar, with nothing expected of us. I love Aaron getting to know my family. I love how similar and different my aunt and mom are. I always feel like I know my mom better after I hang out with my aunt. I'm excited about Lutheran church. I'm excited about a possibly warm ocean and whatever weather that comes. I'm excited about riding the golf cart through the neighborhood to the beach. I'm excited about digging a hole for my belly and laying on the sand. AND I'm excited cause we're staying till Tuesday then coming home to small group and a southern food potluck.

BABY SHOWER. Happening Sunday November 6th. It'll be sweet and I've been banned from helping plan it which oddly is making me excited. I wish everyone that I know could come just because I want it to be like a big reunion of people I love more than anything. I'm not really thinking of it as a shower cause I want it to be more like a party. Though it'll be midday and maybe a little short. I'm registering for silly things and everything!

That's it for now. Hopefully I'll have lots of reflections and quiet time this weekend with Aaron.

Sleepless

It's closer to 6:30am and I've been up since somewhere around 3:40am. I laid in bed with few entertaining thoughts until about 4:30 and decided to get up and partially clean my kitchen, dining room, and bathroom, eat a bowl of applesauce and made myself some tea that's almost gone. I would like to be sleeping. While laying in bed I basically wrote letters to friend's in my head, things I'd like to tell them but once I got up, I figured if I was going to do that this morning, I needed to get my current circumstances out of my head instead of writing to friend's about it.

Week to week changes I noticed yesterday: sleeping isn't as effortless as it has been. Atleast for the past couple nights. It could just be a thing that'll pass but since I've read it's a symptom of my state of pregnancy, I'm assuming that's what it is. Things really do change that quickly and noticibly pregnant anyway. Also, like clockwork, when I entered the second trimester, within days I was feeling remarkably rested and energetic. So it's funny, but yesterday was the first day of 28 weeks. 7 months ya'll! Third trimester.  When I think about how fast the first trimester went by, I feel pretty bittersweet. Based on the weeks they dated me I didn't even know I was pregnant for 9 weeks. Not much else about this process has seemed to pass quickly. Sure it'll seem like a blink of an eye once it's over but I think it was designed to allow a woman to feel like she's got time to soak in it. I sure have.

We finished our birthing classes last night. There's lots of other classes I could take but that one is the one I looked forward to most, Aaron was encouraged to be with me, and we learned so much. They covered so much. From reading silly encouraging poems and writings, getting massages, watching birthing videos, to practicing birthing positions, getting tea infusion recipes, and walking step by step through growing our babies, going into labor, having contractions, dealing with unexpected circumstances, pushing our babies out, delivering the placenta, and talking, touching, and massaging our newborns. We even had cupcakes with candles and sang happy birthday to our unborn babies. It was a funny, informative, intentional class.

We took our hospital tour this past week with our birthing class instructor. That was great. Part of me was really excited about the point that I get there, and part of me started to feel really nervous about birthing. I know it's going to fly by but a lot can happen in a few hours. I think I'm a little overwhelmed.

Baby Bue has been practicing having his head down! This means his feet are lodged under my ribs. If this means he'll be ready and come out quickly, then I'll take it. I'm feeling huge. I'm a little terrified of what a couple more months or having this bun in my oven will do to me. Some days my size is overwhelming to me.

Have I mentioned how much I love my husband? The best human I know. I am excited to labor with him beside me.

Also, we're starting small groups again Tuesday. Some new people are coming, and some old.

Pittsburgh

I wish I had pictures. I know I couldn't have done the trip justice though so maybe it's for the best. In some ways this has been my favorite trip to Pittsburgh that we've taken.

Every trip to Pittsburgh is bittersweet. We look forward so much to a community of people that we feel very much a part of in ways but rarely get to see. An 8 hour drive between us really forces us to make fewer trips than we'd like and we can't ever stay as long as we'd like to. Pittsburgh in some ways feels like home. I found myself the last couple trips wishing we had our own place here to invite people in and cook and share meals. I think Aaron and I both really like hosting people more than we feel comfortable being extended-stay-visitors. At the start of the trip I always hope that Aaron and I will love the friends we're with successfully. I worry that in a place that he has many experiences with out me, that I won't remember that we're together, on the same team and that he'll feel supported and know that I'm proud of him. It's hard for me to keep my things from spreading out over someone else's home while I'm visiting. It gets harder put our bed away every day when, at home, it's a place that I love to escape to for moments on occasional days.  ........ All of that being said, we are made to feel so welcome. We have people's homes and safe havens opened to us. We've been cooked for and provided for every time we've come. We've been prayed for and prayed with. We've been not only let in, but welcomed into our friend's lives, told their excitements and struggles, seen their projects and hopes. I love the way each trip to Pittsburgh reveals new depths to the people that I so easily and immediately grew to love when I met them. I love that each time I go home I know more specific ways to pray for these people.

Heaslips were in town and it was so good seeing them and their Sailor. I really felt at home with them. And Aaron couldn't get enough time with their sweet little girl.

Sunday we were thrown a surprise baby shower! I'm not sure it could have been much nicer. Good food was prepared, (tacos, my favorite), sweet onesies were decorated by our friends, baby goods were given to us. It meant so much to us that this time was set aside to celebrate the coming of our sweet babe. I loved sharing all of it with our Pittsburgh friends. It's hard to be content with having seen them so little this past year. Missing out on so much that happens in their lives. We want to live life with them, eat with them, struggle with them, rejoice with them... it's a lot like a long distance dating relationship. We see each other in such small dosages that it's hard to say goodbye.

Every time we leave Pittsburgh, the trip home is such a time of preparing to enter back into our world. We reflect on the week, we hope that the things we're learning will help us love our friends in PA and NC better. I try to tell myself to stop asking for more and appreciate the time we were given. We do dread returning to our schedules that can seem monotonous but I think, we always come back challenged and with a new wind in our sails. This trip, in some ways felt the least like we were visitors. In a way we felt more like roommates, and locals. There was a lot more down time than usual, quiet conversations. Less planning and roaming. It was settling and strange. It was really good. I guess the next time we visit we'll have our third family member with us and it'll be a whole different kind of new and familiar.

Writing Letters, Taking Names

I'm trying to challenge myself to write more letters. I doubt a letter from me is much different than reading any blog post... I do just ramble till my pen stops or I feel like I've exposed too much of myself for one sitting but I do love writing. Maybe close to as much as I love dancing...

I want friends to know how we're doing and I want to hear from them. As the year finishes, I hope to have made some new good habits in reaching out to loved ones. I'm reading through the "Simplicity" section in Celebration of Discipline and it has moved many things inside of me. I've never really thought that in order to be simple outside, I have to first be simple inside. This is something I know that I am not. And I've taken much pride in it at times. Complicating things is so Romantic sometimes, when really, it's not. It's tragic, and boy do I live for tragedy. So I hope the things that I'm reading are resonating. I've been learning a lot about praying for change and starting small. This is something I'm starting to pray more for.

I don't have a lot to update. Aaron has not been patient when I ask him to come feel our little Bub move. He will give me his hand for a few seconds but if there's no big movement, he will get distracted... Maybe mostly because we always happen to be sitting in close vicinity to a guitar. So we succeed most I've noticed when he is sleepy. He'll give me his hand especially when we're laying in bed. The other morning Aaron was getting up slowly for work and Baby Bue was moving a LOT. I was still sleepy but I pulled Aaron's hand over and placed it accordingly, and I don't even think Aaron realized it but every time the babe would move, Aaron would giggle - a perfect MANLY, proud dad, sleepy giggle. It was one of my favorite moments so far.

Movement

Life.

It's really so simple but mind-blowing at the same time to think about this little buggar inside of me fidgeting and moving around. When I'm driving, sitting in a coffee shop, watching a movie, taking a walk and I feel little movements, big or small, it makes me feel like a creator. It's a strange thing to explain. I feel like I've got a little project that's constantly being worked on. And in less than 3 months hopefully, I'll have a little wiggly human to show for it. In some ways its the most productive feeling a person, I believe, could have.

During yoga a few weeks ago, some of the first times I felt him moving, we were ending the class with some meditation and stillness and the little bumps from his limbs brought tears. It's so huge! This, what's happening to me.

I know mom's all over could relate but similar to getting married, the biggest decision I've ever made and the most rewarding, people don't say the things that I experienced going through all of that. I love experiencing these new things and them being as epic as they are but it's confusing to me that more people don't shout about it from roof-tops or atleast tell me about it when they experience these little glories. It's not like there are millions of opportunities in one's life to feel what you feel when you get married, learn your pregnant, feel the baby moving, give birth. But sometimes I feel like the only person that wants to really talk about it.

People keep too many things to themselves is what I'm saying maybe.

The same goes for the ways you fall inlove with the Holy Spirit. The way He pursues you and gives you peace in any moment. Why don't you hear about those moments more often? The more praise I hear from people that I care about and know, the more encouraged I am and the more I want to grow in my intimate knowledge of Him. I myself hesitate a lot of times in fear of just being cheesy or coming off self-righteous. But if we could equally be open with our struggles and convictions, pray together, imagine how close we'd all be?

Just thoughts running through my head over a pot of mint tea.

Excited.
Encouraged.
At peace.

I keep thinking about the fact that in a few months I'll be holding up a little man as he wiggles and jerks, figuring out how to hold his head up. An adorable, soft, sweet, baby boy. A little soul. And I get to look after him and be a huge part of his life. He'll be such a mirror of the way that I love and care for people. I'll learn so much. It's wild to see yourself entering this unknown. Scary and exciting. So many things all at once.

23 weeks today.

A friend took these from a church retreat.

My husband is so so so attractive. I know.

Time is flying. And my body is changing noticibly almost every day. It's super bizarre to be experiencing something that is so extraordinary and ordinary at the same time. Being far from the first to get pregnant and experience these things, yet having this absolutely unique, made special just for me, miracle happen inside and through my body.

In the last few weeks, every few days, something significant has changed. It started with little flutters of baby movements - total magic. It felt like a couple bubbles moving in any direction from the core of my body, then a few days later it started feeling like my uterus was actually doing small somersaults - JUST like your stomach turns when you go over a roller coaster, but much more subtle and exciting. Yesterday at an appointment, the Dr. and Aaron both saw a little limb move across my stomach. And I've now been asked by 3 people how far along I am, which is really exciting. One day I noticed myself unable to move without bumping into things, as if my depth perception wasn't working anymore. I'm finding myself trying to squeeze between friend's chairs and tables or counters and people that I know I would normally have fit through gracefully, but instead grazing them fully with my front or back-side. You could say this is forcing me to know people more intimately,  lots of invasion of personal space. Another day, I found myself wishing I could just take off my belly for a water break. It's become noticeably heavy and last weekend my ability to walk up or down stairs quickly or even at a normal pace has subsided. I am becoming a slow-moving mama. Similar to the huge changes in energy in the first trimester, these things take a toll on my momentum, my confidence, my adequacy, my ego. ... I'm watching myself in the mirror week to week turn into the pregnant me that I always imagined and I am not as unbareably cute as I thought I would be. Haha. I'm feeling large. And my body temperature has decided to kick itself up a few b.t.u.'s just to make things more interesting. By the way, it's HOT in Asheville these days.... without being pregnant. So I'm hot, and slow, and for the time being, i have lost my hour-glass figure. Aaron has been loving and supportive. We've been really praising God for the way He's blessing us through this season. There's so much peace in our home. I love trusting my husband. I don't want to take for granted the ease I'm finding in respecting him and supporting him in the decisions he's making for us. I am a strong-willed woman, and getting married I worried, (still worry), that I will be contentious and rebellious because these are things that I enjoy doing sometimes, things I'm good at doing. So I am happy to report that God is giving me some grace and patience that I want to hold onto. I still have a sharp tongue and get plenty of opportunities to learn repentance. Aaron is an incredible husband and leader and I am ever learning to pray for him. It's something that has NOT come naturally to me.

Speaking of how great everything is, ha, I am very ungrateful. A good friend from church had a miscarriage. She and her husband had been wanting a child for something like 7 years and I'm not sure how far along she was because the baby may not have grown as many weeks as she may have been pregnant. Can you imagine wanting a child for multiple years then expecting one for weeks, maybe months and losing them? I can't totally. We weren't hoping for a baby at all when we found out. I was immediately aware of friends that I have prayed that they could have children and some part of me thought "I wish it was them and not me that was pregnant." I still catch myself thinking that I know people that deserve a chance at parenting more than we do. I've had the thought that if we never got to meet this little man inside of me, our lives would keep going. At one point I feel like I would have thought to myself, "Phew, that was close...(to really having to change)" and pick up where we left off with childless marriage. I say all of this to share the worst thoughts I've had. Some days it still doesn't feel real. Some days we just talk about how weird it is to see my belly actually growing like a "real pregnant person". I want to make clear as much as I can that we are every day, some more than others, learning to think of this new life as a total gift. It's really strange though to genuinely feel that way, then just not believe it's real in a moment. I guess similar to salvation. Even if you have it all the time, there's times where not only are you not overwhelmed with thanks for it, but you don't even think about it, you take it for granted. That's what I'm saying. I guess being human, this happens in everything. Wouldn't it be incredible to never take anything or any one for granted ever again? In my life, it really has been proven that no matter how much I'm given, I still miss the point a lot.

I had a 'near death' experience with heart burn this week. I would take nausea and vomiting over the heart burn. It lasted for about 24 hours and I was unable to lie down. I had to sit straight up, any other posture was much more painful. Drank baking soda and water, so gross. I slept in a recliner sitting up for the most part. I was sobbing and unable to breath. Aaron thought he'd have to take me to the hospital. The worst part is probably that anyone that knows anything about heart burn just nods and says "yeah, that happens". I'd like to think no one has ever felt the wrath that my body took out on me. Also, I am sure that labor will be easier than heart burn. I have nothing to show for my survival of this episode. I am appreciating pain-free life much more now. Aaron sympathizes even more because he went to the hospital once for something similar following a BBQ sandwich. He thought he was going to die. He'll say things like, "thank Adam and Eve". I hit a new high for high maintenance. I couldn't move without assisstance. Remedies I found interesting/possibly helpful:

• plain baked potato
• digestive enzymes/papaya enzyme
• milk
• 1tsp. brown sugar (in milk, I decided)
• no drinking and eating at the same time (SO HARD for me.)
• no eating 2 hours before bed

Not using much medicine to just fix things is exciting and patience growing. And on a positive note, people have said that heart burn can mean a FULL head of hair! (Dark hair, I've heard!)


There are so many people in my life that I've been thinking about and haven't seen in a long time. I am a little terrified of having even less time than I have now to reach out to friends. I haven't been doing that much at all. I miss a lot of women and have really been alone a lot. I am growing to love solitude but I also really value and benefit from the relationships I have with women. Even though I really am enjoying the changes, all of this self-observing and surviving myself is making me feel so torn.

The last few weeks since my trip to Florida have been really good but exhausting emotionally. A lot is happening. I fear internalizing things. But I don't have enough hours in the day to share everything I want to share. And while I'm trying, I feel like I'm missing the point. And possibly exhausting the people that have been around to listen.

Man.
Baby showers happen when in a pregnancy? I think I'm gonna have one in October some time.

We are going to Pittsburgh at the end of this month. I don't even know if anyone up there knows but we've marked off our calendars from the 31st to the 7th of September. SO Excited!

INCASE it wasn't clear how lovely my belly is looking. Haha.