Meet Woody Bright.

 When his eyes are really open, they are so so big.

10 days later, I gave birth to a completely perfect, sweet, soft, bundle of life and love named Woodrow Bright Buchanan. November 30, 2011. 2:19pm. 8lbs, 8oz. What an end to a pregnancy story, and beginning to a new season of change, adjustment, growth, and family. I'm not sure I've ever been so exhausted combined with a feeling that I could explode trying to articulate all of the feelings and thoughts I'm having and experiencing. Having this new baby boy makes me feel full in a way I've never felt. I can have no energy, and feel absent minded and useless, yet more needed and wanted than any human on earth. I feel strong and courageous while my body feels close to broken. I'm essentially on bed rest, though that doesn't really mean much because I am not good at following directions. I spend little time actually in bed. Also, being about 30 lb's lighter overnight leaves me feeling like I want to get a lot done with my new, more mobile self.

 I will have more to say soon. My labor and delivery was so incredible and I can't wait to write it all out, but right now we're soaking up the newness and sharing it with as many people as we can. Gosh, oh gosh it is so much fun having a little human in our home.

MANY more pictures to come.

Self Pitty

So I was saving the last post to add some pictures and really update fully but realized coming back to it just now, not only has a bit of time passed but I have had very new experiences in the last day, much less weeks since I wrote.

I will cut to the chase, to say that I woke up yesterday morning feeling sorry for myself. It's been easy to imagine ways I could complain, or ways others seem to have a hard time in pregnancy but overall, things have been so good and I don't think I've been editing myself in saying that. I don't do that well anyway. Even if there have been times where I started to feel huge or less attractive, or even fussy, I have had overwhelming support from more than a few people that have helped me feel appreciated and encouraged through the last 9 months. Yesterday morning I woke up in a funk though. It was mostly in the sleepy first minutes of the day when I was saying goodbye to Aaron as he left for work but he noticed before I did. I don't even remember what I said or how I said it but by the time I woke up and had some breakfast, I realized that out of eagerness and impatience to meet our baby Bue, frustration with still lugging around a large belly, and changes that are so soon to come that will undoubtedly change things I haven't even thought of - I had sent my husband off to work without showing him that I appreciated him. Not only that, but I didn't wake up thankful in any way. It was all about me, as much as it could be. I don't think I'm being hard on myself. I wrestled with it all day in different ways. I essentially had the thoughts that I shouldn't have to still be pregnant. I had decided long ago that once I got to 37 weeks, the baby should come and God would surely let him because I have had a great pregnancy and I really didn't want to wait any more. .... Does that sound crazy? I think I had totally decided he was coming early. He still definitely could, but I am faced with the truth that God has successfully timed EVERY moment I've had on this earth without need for my input. So if my child came tomorrow (or in 3-ish measly weeks), I now feel like the kid that threw the tantrum about not getting ice-cream on the way to the surprise ice-cream party.

All that to say, today I fell in love again. Haha. Maybe it was partly because communion is offered every Sunday at our church and I'm faced with the gift of grace whether I go looking for it or not. But I love those moments you see your sin for what it is, small or big, still serious. I don't feel beat up. I feel loved. I feel moved. I feel pursued and taken care of. I have had so much peace in my home and life for the last year. I've had nothing to complain about.  And I can't get over how good it feels, I don't ever want to stop loving it, when I remember that I'm not in control - Christ is... and I am better off because of it. Even if Him being in control just means that despite how I would wish things to go, they will go as they should and He will receive glory. I love it! I get so cheesy, I know. I kinda think genuine love is unpreventably cheesy with me.

I wrote last on November 8th I guess. I can't believe its been as long as it has. Time still feels like it's not passing because I am waiting. The baby definitely dropped atleast a week or a week and a half ago. (That also got my hopes up that he was coming soon, even though everywhere you look people say that can happen weeks and weeks before birth.) I have more room to breathe but it doesn't necessarily feel like it. My ribs are sore but its a result of him being in the best position to exit my body so that is something to be very pleased with. Just recently my hips have been sore a lot. I have forgotten what it's like to lay on my stomach, or I think I would miss it. Daily I remember that I bought an exercise ball and I find time to bounce on it, hoping it encourages Mr. Bue to consider exiting. I've been sewing anything and everything, quite productive. My house was too clean to feel like nesting but now the upstairs is an explosion of fabric and scissors. I'm more motivated to sew than I can ever remember being. Mr. Bue is somewhere around 7 lbs. (Sounds healthy and ripe does it not? Haha..)

So, excitement has never been so hard. And I may have said this but I think I am so eager because in some way, it's still unbelievable that this is really happening. One day, not so far, I will have a little human in my arms and a memory of pregnancy. I will be making mistakes in parenting and learning new skills. Part of me wants labor to happen because until it does, I can't imagine the little bundle that makes every little struggle thus far worth it. Part of me still, and surely will keep looking at Aaron every so often and thinking "this is real? we've really had a part in creating life together?" ..... Man. End of rambling for now.

Time can fly.

I can't believe I haven't written in so long. So much has been happening and changing. At the same time, until I meet my little man, I can't say anything too exciting has occurred, (atleast in comparison).

I'm writing all of these posts into a paper journal so I can keep it and have it for our little guy. Someone else was talking recently about having a journal for each of their 5 kids from the moment they knew they existed and I loved that idea. That's essentially why I started this but don't plan on sending him to check out my blog in order to read about my thoughts. Haha.

Anyway, things are great. Great because I can't think of a reason to really complain about anything legitimate. Life is on it's way, created by myself and my best friend in the whole world. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around it all because in so many ways it still doesn't feel real. I'm sure at this point that as much as my belly has grown to the size of a large watermelon and there's lots of movement in there, belonging to our sweet first child, and my ribs are as sore as they could ever be harboring his little active feet - the only thing that will make all of this feel like it's ACTUALLY happening, is meeting him. I'm sure the labor will help too. As we get closer and closer, (anywhere from 1 and 1/2 to 5 weeks now), my imagination runs a little wild with how our birth story will go. Fear creeps in. Unforseen circumstances and decisions seem as much as possibility as ever. Our birthing class was a lot about just preparing us to adjust to anything and I am really thankful but the curiosity at times overwhelms me. I just want to know how it's going to go. I am not a fan of surprises at all. I don't like knowing that a surprise is coming, I'd rather be caught off guard than walk into something aware that it could play out any way at all. Could this be a control issue? ........ I'm now a size that I am so ready to be done with and the thought of growing for another month possibly is a little bit of a bummer. I do feel cute, as cute as a pregnant person can be. That doesn't mean I don't feel HUGE. Aaron and I both miss my mobility as a non-pregnant woman. He has been amazing though for sure, affirming me and telling me how proud he is of the work I'm doing and carrying our boy. It's so funny that it makes such a difference to hear those things. I will miss some of the special treatment of being a big pregnant momma. I will miss doing minimal heavy lifting. I will miss all of the big smiles from strangers, merely because of my belly. I'll fade into the background again at the grocery store, and that's bittersweet.. haha. I will miss unlimited night time massages from Aaron just because I want them. And of course, I will miss in some way, it just being us two together in our little family.

All of that being said! I can't wait to list all of the things that I love about our new family. I can't wait to take pictures and go to nature centers and make big deals about first teeth and first giggles and first steps. I can't wait to know what it feels like to touch and see the little human that we have created and are helping shape for his own independent life experiences. I can't wait to watch him come to know the Lord and fall in love with his Creator.

We're still hosting a small group with atleast 7 or 8 people almost every week. We've been going through 1 Peter and this is probably the most I've ever enjoyed a scripture study. I think it's just because I've grown and care more than I've ever cared. I look forward to it each week and I can't say I've ever done that before. I'm super thankful for Aaron's education and passion about studying scripture and history. It's clearly a large part of understanding in a new way and feeling like there's so much life to the words that we're reading. I've always struggled with reading scripture, much less having a desire to really do it regularly on my own.

Good News!

I'm in love.
With a season of life.
With a season of the year.
With a husband that I'm earthly and spiritually bound to.
With a tea that's warm and spicy.
With a baby human that I've never met.
With a clean and serene downstairs of my home.
With the ability to breath life in and see old colorful mountains around me.

I'm also sleeping(ish). Bathroom breaks will gladly be replaced by baby-wakes once he's here. It does make all the difference to have a good pillow between my knees. But as I like to move while sleeping, each time I move means waking up enough to lift the sheets, roll my body with pillow to the other side, then drape sheets accordingly and fall back into sleep. I look forward to easy mobility more and more.

Last weekend we had 3 sets of visitors. It was so nice sharing our space and catching up and just being with people we love. It was short.

This week I realized how big I am! I must post a picture. I have had no clue. Looking down at my belly and not being able to see my upper legs, or even dressing and struggling to reach my toes to put tights on, or feeling the need to exclaim every time I squat to pick something up or bend over hadn't alerted me to the reality of my huge belly. It was Sunday afternoon and the pregnant women were out on the town in Asheville so every one that walked by was compared to my current size. A little shocked, I went home and studied myself in the mirror, now very aware of the fact that I am not as little as I thought I was. When did this happen? I've been noticing it grow but my thoughts were "there's no way I'm as big as she is... she's huge!"

Man oh man. Changes that happen faster than I can notice them are so strange.

I read a girl's thoughts on being a soccer mom today. She was really proud and a little shocked to find herself driving a mini-van, watching little boys in over-sized shirts run around often without a soccer ball and having so much fun. I hope that's me down the road.

I'm meeting some girls in the morning to start a discipleship group. I can't wait. I have been longing for more constant meeting and prayer with women and I have so many hopes of growth and challenge tied to these meetings.

Aaron and I are going to visit my mom's sister in Myrtle Beach, SC. I'm so excited. We're leaving tomorrow afternoon. Time with her is refreshing. She encourages us and shares herself in a really refreshing way. Too, its really nice feeling at home somewhere so familiar, with nothing expected of us. I love Aaron getting to know my family. I love how similar and different my aunt and mom are. I always feel like I know my mom better after I hang out with my aunt. I'm excited about Lutheran church. I'm excited about a possibly warm ocean and whatever weather that comes. I'm excited about riding the golf cart through the neighborhood to the beach. I'm excited about digging a hole for my belly and laying on the sand. AND I'm excited cause we're staying till Tuesday then coming home to small group and a southern food potluck.

BABY SHOWER. Happening Sunday November 6th. It'll be sweet and I've been banned from helping plan it which oddly is making me excited. I wish everyone that I know could come just because I want it to be like a big reunion of people I love more than anything. I'm not really thinking of it as a shower cause I want it to be more like a party. Though it'll be midday and maybe a little short. I'm registering for silly things and everything!

That's it for now. Hopefully I'll have lots of reflections and quiet time this weekend with Aaron.

Sleepless

It's closer to 6:30am and I've been up since somewhere around 3:40am. I laid in bed with few entertaining thoughts until about 4:30 and decided to get up and partially clean my kitchen, dining room, and bathroom, eat a bowl of applesauce and made myself some tea that's almost gone. I would like to be sleeping. While laying in bed I basically wrote letters to friend's in my head, things I'd like to tell them but once I got up, I figured if I was going to do that this morning, I needed to get my current circumstances out of my head instead of writing to friend's about it.

Week to week changes I noticed yesterday: sleeping isn't as effortless as it has been. Atleast for the past couple nights. It could just be a thing that'll pass but since I've read it's a symptom of my state of pregnancy, I'm assuming that's what it is. Things really do change that quickly and noticibly pregnant anyway. Also, like clockwork, when I entered the second trimester, within days I was feeling remarkably rested and energetic. So it's funny, but yesterday was the first day of 28 weeks. 7 months ya'll! Third trimester.  When I think about how fast the first trimester went by, I feel pretty bittersweet. Based on the weeks they dated me I didn't even know I was pregnant for 9 weeks. Not much else about this process has seemed to pass quickly. Sure it'll seem like a blink of an eye once it's over but I think it was designed to allow a woman to feel like she's got time to soak in it. I sure have.

We finished our birthing classes last night. There's lots of other classes I could take but that one is the one I looked forward to most, Aaron was encouraged to be with me, and we learned so much. They covered so much. From reading silly encouraging poems and writings, getting massages, watching birthing videos, to practicing birthing positions, getting tea infusion recipes, and walking step by step through growing our babies, going into labor, having contractions, dealing with unexpected circumstances, pushing our babies out, delivering the placenta, and talking, touching, and massaging our newborns. We even had cupcakes with candles and sang happy birthday to our unborn babies. It was a funny, informative, intentional class.

We took our hospital tour this past week with our birthing class instructor. That was great. Part of me was really excited about the point that I get there, and part of me started to feel really nervous about birthing. I know it's going to fly by but a lot can happen in a few hours. I think I'm a little overwhelmed.

Baby Bue has been practicing having his head down! This means his feet are lodged under my ribs. If this means he'll be ready and come out quickly, then I'll take it. I'm feeling huge. I'm a little terrified of what a couple more months or having this bun in my oven will do to me. Some days my size is overwhelming to me.

Have I mentioned how much I love my husband? The best human I know. I am excited to labor with him beside me.

Also, we're starting small groups again Tuesday. Some new people are coming, and some old.

Pittsburgh

I wish I had pictures. I know I couldn't have done the trip justice though so maybe it's for the best. In some ways this has been my favorite trip to Pittsburgh that we've taken.

Every trip to Pittsburgh is bittersweet. We look forward so much to a community of people that we feel very much a part of in ways but rarely get to see. An 8 hour drive between us really forces us to make fewer trips than we'd like and we can't ever stay as long as we'd like to. Pittsburgh in some ways feels like home. I found myself the last couple trips wishing we had our own place here to invite people in and cook and share meals. I think Aaron and I both really like hosting people more than we feel comfortable being extended-stay-visitors. At the start of the trip I always hope that Aaron and I will love the friends we're with successfully. I worry that in a place that he has many experiences with out me, that I won't remember that we're together, on the same team and that he'll feel supported and know that I'm proud of him. It's hard for me to keep my things from spreading out over someone else's home while I'm visiting. It gets harder put our bed away every day when, at home, it's a place that I love to escape to for moments on occasional days.  ........ All of that being said, we are made to feel so welcome. We have people's homes and safe havens opened to us. We've been cooked for and provided for every time we've come. We've been prayed for and prayed with. We've been not only let in, but welcomed into our friend's lives, told their excitements and struggles, seen their projects and hopes. I love the way each trip to Pittsburgh reveals new depths to the people that I so easily and immediately grew to love when I met them. I love that each time I go home I know more specific ways to pray for these people.

Heaslips were in town and it was so good seeing them and their Sailor. I really felt at home with them. And Aaron couldn't get enough time with their sweet little girl.

Sunday we were thrown a surprise baby shower! I'm not sure it could have been much nicer. Good food was prepared, (tacos, my favorite), sweet onesies were decorated by our friends, baby goods were given to us. It meant so much to us that this time was set aside to celebrate the coming of our sweet babe. I loved sharing all of it with our Pittsburgh friends. It's hard to be content with having seen them so little this past year. Missing out on so much that happens in their lives. We want to live life with them, eat with them, struggle with them, rejoice with them... it's a lot like a long distance dating relationship. We see each other in such small dosages that it's hard to say goodbye.

Every time we leave Pittsburgh, the trip home is such a time of preparing to enter back into our world. We reflect on the week, we hope that the things we're learning will help us love our friends in PA and NC better. I try to tell myself to stop asking for more and appreciate the time we were given. We do dread returning to our schedules that can seem monotonous but I think, we always come back challenged and with a new wind in our sails. This trip, in some ways felt the least like we were visitors. In a way we felt more like roommates, and locals. There was a lot more down time than usual, quiet conversations. Less planning and roaming. It was settling and strange. It was really good. I guess the next time we visit we'll have our third family member with us and it'll be a whole different kind of new and familiar.

Writing Letters, Taking Names

I'm trying to challenge myself to write more letters. I doubt a letter from me is much different than reading any blog post... I do just ramble till my pen stops or I feel like I've exposed too much of myself for one sitting but I do love writing. Maybe close to as much as I love dancing...

I want friends to know how we're doing and I want to hear from them. As the year finishes, I hope to have made some new good habits in reaching out to loved ones. I'm reading through the "Simplicity" section in Celebration of Discipline and it has moved many things inside of me. I've never really thought that in order to be simple outside, I have to first be simple inside. This is something I know that I am not. And I've taken much pride in it at times. Complicating things is so Romantic sometimes, when really, it's not. It's tragic, and boy do I live for tragedy. So I hope the things that I'm reading are resonating. I've been learning a lot about praying for change and starting small. This is something I'm starting to pray more for.

I don't have a lot to update. Aaron has not been patient when I ask him to come feel our little Bub move. He will give me his hand for a few seconds but if there's no big movement, he will get distracted... Maybe mostly because we always happen to be sitting in close vicinity to a guitar. So we succeed most I've noticed when he is sleepy. He'll give me his hand especially when we're laying in bed. The other morning Aaron was getting up slowly for work and Baby Bue was moving a LOT. I was still sleepy but I pulled Aaron's hand over and placed it accordingly, and I don't even think Aaron realized it but every time the babe would move, Aaron would giggle - a perfect MANLY, proud dad, sleepy giggle. It was one of my favorite moments so far.