Nausea stinks.

Thankfully the worst that ever happens is I start feeling really nauseous and then after a fair warning, I cough/gag and it's official, my body is screaming to be fed. I rush to food and everything is usually back to normal. I guess I like that every pregnancy is different. Every thing I've read agrees that all pregnancies are different. Like fingerprints. And I read somewhere yesterday, about a person noting that at the beginning of her pregnancy, how glad she was that she wasn't going to have her child surprise her and arrive tomorrow. What a gift 9 months of preparation and settling is. ... I don't necessarily agree but I want to try to. I don't want to rush it and I am learning to appreciate the design behind all of this 'baby making' but at this moment, I feel impatient. And tired of the inconveniences of being pregnant. Its far from instant-gratification. You feel crummy or tired or both and the only thing that makes it pass quickly is a friend that will sit and listen to you gripe, and encourage you to exercise, and cook for you. That friend of mine is in France. Aaron absolutely helps take care of me but maybe because he just stays so busy, I am better at asking Kaki for help. And of course she offers things that Aaron can't offer.

After reading a lot of "What to Expect When Your Expecting" (Thanks Kaki!) I was talking to a friend, a new mother of a second little boy, and telling her ways I wished Aaron would read the small section for "Expecting Dad's". She quickly said that I shouldn't read any of those sections because the advice one person gives about what to expect or needs from Dad is different for everyone. As soon as she said that, I think I immediately appreciated the ways Aaron was on his own picking up the slack and serving me in all the ways he was already doing it. Wow. I love the way her words snuck up and sparked a new love for my husband.

Speaking of! Of course we've been missing each other through the last week as he's been away. But yesterday I spent a long time online, talking to Kaki, then talking to Aaron on the phone, then later he messaged me on gmail chat and we made silly jokes and comments about nothing. While we were talking we were having so much fun we realized that this time apart was pushing us together in a really cool way. If you're in covenant with somebody then you probably know those sometimes small or huge moments where you sit back and think "so this is us becoming one flesh", you feel a rush of chemicals flood you as you fall deeper and deeper inlove with your Maker and your husband. Similar feelings happen with friends when it occurs to you how much you enjoy them or love them. Or when you're holding a baby that you are slightly disgusted with how much you don't want to ever put it down. And then of course when you're anywhere and you catch a glimpse of Christ's grace or mercy and you fall on your face with desire for Him. I love it! If only every moment of the day could be so focused and meaningful.

Here's a cheesy snapshot of my snapshot of the "little peanut' in action. From that first appointment over a week ago. Im 11 weeks yesterday. I thought I was 12 all week so Im feeling behind on progress. I don't want to start taking pictures of my belly as it changes because there's not a lot to see yet and I really just feel chubby, so maybe once people start exclaiming how cute and pregnant I am, I'll post some. For now, my lower abdomin feels TIGHT and happy. And Im less "hour-glassed" shaped than normal, and feeling like a tube with my belly filling out. Haha, its kind of gross. And I'm getting over it. Right now I just want to get pregnant-looking enough for Aaron to not feel silly talking to my stomach. He finally stopped addressing our child by saying "hey baby zygote" and is coming up with new, more appropriate names for him/her. After all! Baby B is officially a fetus and has developed ankles, knees and elbows, baby teeth buds, protective body hair, nailbeds, individual fingers and toes, nipples, and most of his/her systems are fully formed. Week 13, baby B should be about the size of a peach.

Cambell's canned "chicken with rice" soup. Is two of those an unnacceptable meal? Ugh, I wish I hadn't looked at the ingredients. That's the only canned soup I buy anymore that isn't organic and that I don't add my own ingredients too. Pregnant me is such a settler for less than acceptable food choices.

I had a Dr. appointment today. Baby B I heard your heart pitter-patterin'! If Aaron hadn't been in class the Dr. would have let me call Aaron to let him hear the heart. So neat. .... the more excited I get about birthing, the less I care who Im birthing with. Everybody promises to take the best care of you. I do like being the least hippy person in the room too when I have visits. Haha, I feel cute, unique, and less anal than everyone else.

I'd like a friend to make me chicken pot pie. I ate some last week at Aaron's sisters house and it was glorious. So since then I've looked up recipes everywhere and just stared at them. Im not sure I can bring myself to do it. I get anxious thinking about cooking these days. And dread the way-too-long season of smelling food before I can eat it. I always lose my appetite. This is something I look forward to after birth, enjoying cooking again.

Everything On My Mind

Our friends in Charlotte post atleast a picture each day since their little babe was born in February. This was from this past week while Aaron was staying with them between trips to the Library. I love it. So much.  Day EIghty Two: "Scared of Technology"



 I left Facebook. I'm excited about the new challenge to share life with friends and family that will come of being out of this particular social network. I may not be prepared because it is likely that I will be very behind on everyone's news since everything gets posted to Facebook but I am pretty hopeful that friendships will be richer with more personal human interactions. (As I now blog about my personal life... HA.)

Aaron is in Charlotte for 2 more days. He'll be back Friday. (My 26th birthday by the way.) I can't waittttttt. He's been gone since last Thursday. Living apart feels so unnatural. But resting has been really nice. I've felt a lot of peace. I've also spent a lot of time at our grocery store on the internet talking to Kaki while she's in France. Its strange to think about the minutes that I get to speak to her and hear about her trip are merely seconds in her day packed full of new experiences and sights. I love the friendship we have and the ways that I get to know her like nobody else does. I love asking her questions and getting a ton of extra information about what she's experiencing just by knowing the way she speaks and moves so well.  In a way I feel like I know her better than Aaron sometimes. I love these things about knowing your spouse too, but its a neat thing to behold when it occurs to you that you share something so intimate with a good friend. And when its brought to my attention, Im a lot more appreciative of Kaki.

Aaron and I are praying about where we should be living. When I start having feelings about something that are strong enough to feel really pulled in a direction, Im learning that I take it to prayer a lot slower than other things that I dont feel direction on at all. So this is what's happening for me. Different conversations with friends and family have really backed up some pretty recent feelings of being unsettled here. I dont know why, and Im absolutely not checking out because community has been the thing most laid on our hearts while living here... but we, (me more than Aaron I think), have been feeling maybe more than anything, an openness we've never experienced to being uprooted and living anywhere. A friend that I spoke with this week said that she experienced something like this in her first pregnancy. As we talked, we both aren't sure if its just an attachment to the new family we're creating and a feeling of detachment from all other superficial things? Obviously community isn't superficial and lots of other things about where we live, we just have discernment on whether this is merely hormonal changes or spiritual pangs towards something we're being called to do - now on our radar.

The midwifery that I am doing all of my prenatal visits with has my due date down as December 8th instead of the 7th that we were told at the hospital. Thats my brother's birthday. Im sure the specific date is rarely all that accurate but I wouldnt mind if the baby was born healthily at the end of November, what an awesome Thanksgiving gift that would be. And personally, I'd prefer a November birthday. I have an appointment tomorrow that I'll likely hear the heartbeat. I really can't stop thinking about ways that I could get access to my own ultrasound machine so I can spend every waking minute watching my little one grow. I don't feel like a super mom and I was never a fan of the way pregnancy makes a lot of people narcissistic and unable to talk about anything but babies, now Im realizing that:

1. I have been too hard on these women because good grief, its 9 freaking months of the wildest, most rapid health/physical changes a persons body probably goes through without death being an outcome.
2. It does feel really narcissistic and maybe some of these people have struggled with the fact that they cant spend time with friends without talking about themselves this much. Haha, seriously. I dont know how to stop it. I think I already had this problem previous to all of this, because I enjoy the challenges of accurately articulating EVERYTHING about being me. (It may not be fun for everyone else but I always feel like I've accomplished something when I feel like I've truly expressed a feeling or thought I've had - I never run out of this type of material.)   (:

I've signed up for every ounce of financial aid we can through this. Oh socialism! Just kidding. It is bizarre that through Medicaid, having a baby at a hospital will only cost us $300. One day I'll get to show my child a receipt for their first breath. That's funny to me. And it was only $300. 

Something I was so curious about previous to pregnancy was what food aversions I would experience because in my adult life so far there hasn't been a food that I dislike. Well, pregnant me dislikes everything. Unless its cooked for me and I just get to show up and eat it. Peas by themselves so far are the only thing I can't really force myself to eat. They have no appeal. My favorite foods right now are all fruit, tacos, chicken pot pie, and Lucky Charms. (Aaron forbode me to buy them and doesn't know yet that this week while he was away I bought some.) Im pretty sure Im going to have to either get a in-home-chef or start drinking protein shakes because I can't force myself to prepare any meats. I still like them, just dont want to cook them. Or handle them unless Im putting them in my mouth.

All of that being said, aren't I interesting?! Haha. Till next time!

Mamma Drama

Its Mope-free Monday! I want to be fair and respectful of a tough time between my mother and I, that being said - I don't know how to censor well, so..... bare with me. I'd like to think its all due to me being on the path to who I am and really like being most of the time. I've never been so excited about family and life's direction that is ever changing. My mom came to town from Canada last Wednesday, we had a nice dinner. Family time is so scarce these days because my brother is in his 3rd rehab, my parents live in WAY northeast Canada, and my sister and I are just in pretty different seasons of our life, both of us trying at times more than others to keep each other close but it just takes work and that's absolutely okay. Its all gotta be. So family time! Dinner was nice, the next day we were together all day, we had a nice lunch with Aaron and I ended up having great conversations feeling really encouraged about Aaron's internship in the fall, just being in prayer about it and being open to him serving almost anywhere that God opened up a place for us. I had my women's group Thursday night, my mom went to dinner with my sister and her boyfriend. I got home late, after easily caving in and picking up a pretty yummy fastfood craving. My mom came downstairs and seemed to have had fun with my sister. 20 minutes later, we were in the middle of a conversation about what I haven't done well in the past few months and the changes I needed to make. I'm not so prideful that I cant take criticism, not this time anyway.. but what do you do when you don't feel that you merit the corrections someone is making on your life? Someone especially that you care so much about. And corrections on things that I have been in prayer about and feel confident I'd make changes if I felt God was calling me to? ... My answer this time is "pray". Pray that I am humbled if I am just missing something, that's possible I guess. ;) Just kidding.. very possible. Pray that my mom get peace and if she is right, for me to hear it differently, if that's the problem. Pray that we can come together and not argue over things that should be able to be talked about.

My mom said a lot of things that about the way I've handled my brothers drug problems, but the only things that I regret are the ways that I gave him financial support and he abused it. In those times, I enabled him. The money I gave him for food or gas, or the meal I prepared for him allowed him to keep the money in his pocket and use it on drugs. That's the way I see it. So Aaron and I decided we were done. Even if it meant telling my parents 'no' when they asked us to help him with money (food, gas, rent, utilities, etc.) and they'd pay us back. Also, I'm a time spender/quality time person. So when I had times with George, whether he was sober or not, I was honest with him, loved on him as much as I could, and tried to assure him that I would be available to him if he ever needed anything emotionally. That's all I can offer and that's all I want to offer. I care about him but having a close friend that's been broken by drug use and having talked to counselors and family members of other addicts, I'm more and more confident that I am going to let him come to me if he needs me, until then, prayer is what I chose and its not easy so I don't feel like I'm taking the easy route. I don't agree with anyone giving him money, or thinking that they can be his life-line. If this third rehab is where he gets clean, or even makes in imprint on his life, I'm more than glad. But we don't have because we don't ask. God will be glorified through his recovery or his failure, same as me in anything that I do or go through. No more, will I or Aaron have any part in enabling my brother's addiction if we can help it.

I've heard of some books on boundaries lately that I've been encouraged to read and before this happened, books that people have suggested I tell my parents to read, specifically one called "Having Boundaries With Your Adult Children". I wish I had looked into these previous to this past weekend. There's still time. ..... Im up for feedback. I want to know what if there's anything I can do to be better understood and understand better. I want to learn to be a better communicator and better at honoring my parents in a disagreement.

In other news! Im in Spruce Pine, soaking up some alone time and telling Aaron's family about our baby on the way. Breakfast with a good friend. Being downtown and always close enough to the train tracks to feel the ground moving when a train comes through town is something that will always remind me of getting to know Aaron in his downtown apartment here, spending time with friends, and making memories that'll last my lifetime.

Day 1

This story starts a long time ago. Its not a short story, and coming from my mouth, it likely wouldnt be the short version of the story.

You can't tell so well from the photo, but the positive sign was BRIGHT blue and very present after about 2 seconds. This was taken around 5:30am in March, 2011. Shortly after, I texted Kaki the news, (she was definitely sound asleep), and I crawled back into bed and laid there, my head spinning. I could tell Aaron was awake so I told him the news, and we continued to just lay there. There wasn't much to say. It was exciting and terrifying. And we just laid there.

Im only 25 (26 in a couple weeks!) and the place that I find myself in, the things that I've experienced in the last couple years alone make me feel like I'm starting a 3rd lifetime. Seasons of my life have become lifetimes. I've been falling more and more inlove with my creator over the past couple years, through the things He's doing in mine and Aaron's life, the way He brought us together and has been showing and teaching me love and forgiveness. So since God has been in the forefront of things, since His movement in my life has been so revealed to me, I can't get enough of His beauty and grace. Its so cheesy, but Im learning thats what love is. Its too sweet to not be cheesy.

Im starting this journal to challenge myself to write more. Most of all, I want some kind of log that our child/children can read over when they're older. Hopefully they'll enjoy my thoughts and experiences. Hopefully they'll laugh at me and with me. Maybe they'll be nothing like me and think that Im just a weird mom, (like my mom!). :)

This is a good place to start. 2 days ago Aaron and I got to see a sonogram of our little one. I've never cared about people's sonograms... the little blob in a black fuzzy mess. But now I get it, when you're laying on the table, though completely excited, part of you thinks this still isnt real, or its too early and there wont be anything to look at... The nurse is moving the paddle over my lower abdomin, clicking things and telling me nothing is happening, she's just taking "boring pictures" of all of my parts. Aaron is staring blankly waiting for her to say something about the screen he's watching. Nothing is happening, and Im stretching my best, trying not to be noticed but wanting to see what they're looking at. Then she turns the screen towards me and says "here's your peanut". There he is! (He or she?) My peanut! It looks more like a cashew, with tiny legs and arms. I can't believe you look so much like a human! Im probably imagining but I feel like I can see some facial features. You're laying so still. I asked if you'd move and she said that if we watched long enough we would see it. We're just staring. Im feeling so many things. You start moving, its like your dancing because you just keep going. Aaron says "he knows we're watching." I wish I could know when you're awake so I could sit really still and feel you moving. All night last night I had trouble sleeping, I kept thinking I could feel your heart beat with my hand over my uterus, then it became exhausting trying to hold still enough to decide whether I was feeling you or a combination of mine and Aaron's heartbeat. In the middle of the night, its all so loud. Every feeling and thought and movement. .... So, there's a real human inside of me. Every parent may feel this but it feels so special. No one has ever seen you before, nobody but God. We're the first. It was so perfect. How do you stop looking? How do you stop watching the screen. When is it okay to turn it off and turn the lights back on. Never. Over and over throughout the last 2 days I've just wanted to break back into the hospital room and watch you for hours. Im so thankful for medicaid paying for that visit, letting us see you for free. What a gift. If I never got to see you again, the small picture I have printed and Aaron stuck it on our fridge, that'd be how I remembered you... perfect, small, and alive. These feelings are so great and real, I can wait to see you, I can wait to hold you and get to meet you for the first time, but I can't wait to find out whether your a girl or a boy. You need a name! Why should you wait 9 months to have a name. You're too special to go without a name. Im calling you "baby bue" (short for Buchanan) right now. I already have a girl name and Im going to do my best to have a boy name by the time we find out.

We want a boy. I'll say it. We want a boy because girls seem less predictable. I know I am afraid of a girl and her hormones and the chance that she wont want to be my best friend. Haha, I know this is something that is going to work itself out and I know that I probably couldnt be your very best friend, but right now, the majority of the girls I know that were first born were rebelious in some way and knowing how sensitive I am, Im already anticipating being crushed by any rejection I'll experience.

All of that being said, I cant wait for whoever my baby will be. The number one thing that I hope is that my child will know Christ and love Him, then I hope that my child is healthy. I hope that my child see's Aaron and I love each other so much that they want a marriage like ours. I hope they see our faith and see our struggle. I hope we can be honest and they'll feel safe with us.

I've been overwhelmed with a desire to pray for you. God's been telling me that I have no control and its a good thing! The most impacting thing I can do is pray for you, "you do not have because you do not ask". Nothing I can prepare will make you the person you need to be, nothing I expose you to or do will prepare you for what's to come outside of the Holy Spirit at work through me and Aaron, our friends, our community, our relationships. I want to at all times be inviting Him into our home and our lives. I want everything to be soaked in Him.

So the due date is December 7, 2011. I hope you come early and healthy, but obviously, I'll wait as long as I have to. 

Things have been busy! Aaron is finishing up his spring semester of school. The past 3 months have been the busiest I can ever remember. I think part of it is adjusting to the way Aaron gets when he is busy. He's like a train, and just keeps going till all the work is done, or he's out of time because he really doesn't know when to stop. He's so thorough and smart and he loves learning. One of my favorite things about him. So we handle being busy very differently. I am a big fan of just throwing everything off of the table and relaxing with people I care about. Aaron has to be completely removed to do this, for about 48 hours before he can start. Haha. So we just keep trucking. Maybe for over 3 months now. He'll be done with school for a few weeks maybe after the third week of May. Then summer classes, then he's taking a break in the fall. I cant imagine what that'll be like. Im praying for a job change for either Aaron or myself or both. Aaron has too many passions and talents and he never explores different avenues to use them outside of working for free in a church or going to Israel, which would both be fine, I just want to open ourselves up to God using us in different ways if there are openings. I can't wait to see how we're going to be stretched through all of this.

So, welcome to my head and home! Can't wait to continue this adventure.